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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion. v.1

It is irrefutable that music has become part and parcel of individual’s life. A section of society thinks that people who belong from various cultures as well as ages can be together with the help of music. I, however, firmly agree with this notion as several reasons surround my opinion. To embark on, listening to music is one of the best ways to get relaxation as these days people often feel themselves under full of stress owing to hectic schedule of their studies and work. At the same time, due to the advancement in technology as well as globalization, people have become familiar with different genre of music which are linked to numerous traditions. As a result, they started to show their interest to listen another cultural song which leads to sense of brotherhood. Moving towards second major reason is that if individuals listen to music of different culture, they will start to consider those singers as their role model. As a consequence, they will inclined towards that particular community and they will come in contact with people from that culture which will help to enhance social circle far away from their own culture. For example, Lady Gaga is a Hollywood singer who is famous worldwide. People from another cultures and countries love to listen her. Also, they started to try listen another singer. In conclusion, I would reiterate my view that music is the best method in the long run which assist society to live together even they belong from various cultures and ages.
It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has become part and parcel of individual’s life. A section of society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who belong from various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
as well
as ages can be together with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. I,
however
,
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion as several reasons surround my opinion.

To embark on, listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one of the best ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxation as these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel themselves under full of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
owing to hectic schedule of their studies and work. At the same time, due to the advancement in technology
as well
as globalization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become familiar with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
genre of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
which
are linked
to numerous traditions.
As a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their interest to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
another cultural song which leads to sense of brotherhood.

Moving towards second major reason is that if individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to consider those singers as their role model. As a consequence, they will
The modal verb ‘will’ requires the verb’s base form.
inclined
towards that particular
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
community and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
in contact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to enhance social circle far away from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
.
For example
, Lady Gaga is a Hollywood singer who is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
worldwide.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
from another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
her.
Also
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
another singer.

In conclusion
, I would reiterate my view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the best method in the long run which assist society to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
together even they belong from various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and ages.
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IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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