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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and age together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and age together. with this opinion? v. 2
It is indeed that the music has a predominant influence on the community. Hence, many intellectuals perceive that the music could be a key platform to indulge all the people from the diverse traditions and age groups. I strongly agree with the above notion; where the music is essential for the spiritual and social development of all sections of the society. To begin with, the major impact of the mesmerising music encourages the people from all traditions and fraternity to have a common interest. Consequently, their affection towards such an art, indulge them into a unity. For instance, to attend the concerts of the legendary pop singer Michel Jackson, people from all around the world were gathered in one place, hence the differences between the cultures and participants had been eradicated due to such events. Moreover, many musicians utilize their talents to spread awareness in the society against the social taboos and vices. As a result, all the members of the community ranging from older to younger generations come forward to enhance their cultures. Furthermore, many cultures are identified by their uniqueness of folk music and dances at a global platform. Although, there is a generation gap between the older and younger people, their views and feeling towards the music creates bonding between them. For example, the Gujarati tradition is worldwide famous for its garba songs and music and the Panjabi culture is famous for its Bhangra. Thus, the music is an essential factor in the interaction of cultures, as well as the people enjoy the essence of the music together to create a harmony in the society. In conclusion, the music is not only an art form, but also it is an identity of many cultures and people. The music plays a critical role to establish bonding between different culture as well as many skilled artists establish their dynamic career to serve the mankind.
It is
indeed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has a predominant influence on the community.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
intellectuals perceive that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
could be a key platform to indulge all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the diverse traditions and age groups. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above notion; where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is essential for the spiritual and social development of all sections of the society.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the major impact of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'mesmerising' is British English.
mesmerising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
encourages the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all traditions and fraternity to have a common interest.
Consequently
, their affection towards such an art, indulge them into a unity.
For instance
, to attend the concerts of the legendary pop singer Michel Jackson,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all around the world
were gathered
in one place,
hence
the differences between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and participants had
been eradicated
due to such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
musicians utilize their talents to spread awareness in the society against the social taboos and vices.
As a result
, all the members of the community ranging from older to younger generations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward to enhance their cultures.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
are identified
by their uniqueness of folk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and dances at a global platform. Although, there is a generation gap between the older and younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, their views and feeling towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
creates bonding between them.
For example
, the Gujarati tradition is worldwide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for its
Possible spelling mistake found.
garba
songs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Panjabi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for its
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bhangra
.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an essential factor in the interaction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
,
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy the essence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
together to create a harmony in the society.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
an art form,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it is an identity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays a critical role to establish bonding between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
skilled artists establish their dynamic career to serve the mankind.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and age together. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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