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some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and age together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion. v.1

some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and age together. with this opinion. v. 1
Music is being updated with the generation. Certain folks argue that it is possible to bring older and a new generation to gather which will be beneficial in many ways. This essay will completely concur with the above thought due to the various advantages of that which is discussed below with explanation and example. On the one side, the numerous benefits of music provide for all ages of people. The prime pros is that when two generation meets, it is easier to make them understand about particular message rather than trying another way. This leads to increase knowledge of youth through communication between generations and also the aged people get a company to spend quality time or share some feelings without hesitation. For example, 70% of village civilian have grandparents who live with them. Thus, they are more mature and patience than suburb citizens. On the other side, it is a hard task to complete because of the maturity differences. Today’s children love to have freedom for everything where as older generation tends to give advice without asking. Hence, juvenile feels restricted and tends to detach themselves from older people. As a result, offsprings disrespect the older folks and this make them misguided. For instance, 80% of the 20th century's offsprings are do not like to have grandparents as they always block their way. In conclusion, as far as i can see, I believe that people should teach the children about having older people is a blessing from a god. So, that since childhood they have a habit of spending time and music with age folks.
Music is
being updated
with the generation. Certain folks argue that it is possible to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
and a new generation to gather which will be beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. This essay will completely concur with the above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
due to the various advantages of that which
is discussed
below with explanation and example.

On the one side, the numerous benefits of music provide for all ages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The prime pros is that when two generation meets, it is easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them understand about particular message
rather
than trying another way. This leads to increase knowledge of youth through communication between generations and
also
the aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to spend quality time or share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
feelings without hesitation.
For example
, 70% of village civilian have grandparents who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with them.
Thus
, they are more mature and patience than suburb citizens.

On the other side, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
task to complete
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the maturity differences.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to have freedom for everything
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation tends to give advice without asking.
Hence
, juvenile feels restricted and tends to detach themselves from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
disrespect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
folks and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them misguided.
For instance
, 80% of the 20th century's
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
are
Consider using a past participle here: "done".
do
not like to have grandparents as they always block their way.

In conclusion
, as far as
Did you mean "I"?
i
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should teach the children about having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
a blessing from a god.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, that since childhood they have a habit of spending time and music with age folks.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and age together. with this opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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