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Some people say that music is a good way of bring people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

Some people say that music is a good way of bring people of different culture and ages together. with this opinion? v. 1
It is thought that people like to come together because of music even if they did not grow up in the same culture and are not of the same generation. I completely agree with this opinion and think that music is an effective method to unite people across age and culture. First of all, I believe that singing songs or playing instumentals has the ability to produce happiness and encourage friendliness. That is, melody can create a friendly and family-like situation where people gain a sense of belonging to a group so that they are keen to know each other more. For example, the enterprise I used to work for was an international corporation, so the majority of employees came from overseas. To help employees get along well with their colleagues, the company held a musical theme night regularly. That’s why I think that music is a good choice for having people from different cultural backgrounds come together. Secondly, tune of piece of song has the power to help youth and elders find common interesting things to eliminate the generation gap. In other words, it might be easy for young people and old people to find the same feelings on symphony even though that there are few chances for them to have the same experiences and knowledge in such a fast-developing society. For instance, there is an unbelievable moment when children, parents and grandparents sing together in our community church every Christmas. Thus, music is always a good solution when organizers cater to people of all ages. To conclude, I strongly believe that music is a wonderful way to unify people because it gives them happiness and common feelings even if there are many differences caused by culture and age.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
even if they did not grow up in the same culture and are not of the same generation. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an effective method to unite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
across age and culture.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that singing songs or playing
Possible spelling mistake found.
instumentals
has the ability to produce happiness and encourage friendliness.
That is
, melody can create a friendly and family-like situation where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain a sense of belonging to a group
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they are keen to know each other more.
For example
, the enterprise I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work for was an international corporation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the majority of employees came from overseas. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
along well with their colleagues, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
held a musical theme night
regularly
. That’s why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
choice for having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultural backgrounds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together.

Secondly
, tune of piece of song has the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
youth and elders find common interesting things to eliminate the generation gap.
In other words
, it might be easy for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to find the same feelings on symphony
even though
that there are few chances for them to have the same experiences and knowledge in such a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-developing society.
For instance
, there is an unbelievable moment when children, parents and grandparents sing together in our community church every Christmas.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is always a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
solution when organizers cater to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a wonderful way to unify
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it gives them happiness and common feelings even if there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
differences caused by culture and age.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bring people of different culture and ages together. with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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