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Some people belive that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people belive that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. v. 2
There is some disagreement as to whether accepting a bad situation, such as unsatisfactory job or shortage of money is better than trying and improving such situations. While there are certainly valid arguments to the contrary, I personally believe that the attempting to overcome those bad is worth to support. First of all, If people simply accept their life with unsatisfactory job or small abundance, they will face a great deal of stresses. Those things could make them uncomfortable because it' s not their dream job and shortage of money keeps them faraway from their hobbies like shopping, traveling and etc. Therefore, they' re likely to be just suriving but not living, the result is unhappy life. By stark contrast, people who put effort on trying and improving to get out of those suck situations, might have a colorful life that is worth to live. Admittedly, in the process of improving life, those could learn plenty of valuable lessons leading them to know how to appriciate and love people around them more and more. For example, on the path of following dream occupations, people could meet mentors or companions who support, give them advices or share hardest time. The more those around them, the more they don' t feel alone anymore and might start to do these with others. In the end, if people could reach to the peak of success, it' s absolutely best news ever, then they could live the life they want and start to enjoy it. By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that people should have a breakthrough to get rid of thier safety zone that make them unhappy to gain the life they truly want to live.
There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreement
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
accepting a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
situation, such as unsatisfactory job or shortage of money is better than trying and improving such situations. While there are
certainly
valid arguments to the contrary, I
personally
believe that the attempting to overcome those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
is worth to support.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
simply
accept their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with unsatisfactory job or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
abundance, they will face a great deal of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stresses
. Those things could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them uncomfortable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s not their dream job and shortage of money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them faraway from their hobbies like shopping, traveling
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
Therefore
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
they&
#039; re likely to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
Possible spelling mistake found.
suriving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not living, the result is unhappy life.

By stark contrast,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who put effort on trying and improving to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
out of those suck situations, might have a colorful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
that is
worth to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
Admittedly
, in the process of improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, those could learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of valuable lessons leading them to know how to
Possible spelling mistake found.
appriciate
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around them more and more.
For example
, on the path of following dream occupations,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
mentors or companions who support, give them advices or share
A determiner is probably missing here: "the hardest".
hardest
time. The more those around them, the more they
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t feel alone anymore and might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to do these with others. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could reach to the peak of success,
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s
A determiner is probably missing here: "absolutely the best".
absolutely best
news ever, then they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
they want and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to enjoy it.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have a breakthrough to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of
Possible spelling mistake found.
thier
safety zone that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them unhappy to gain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
they
truly
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people belive that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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