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Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situatuion, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss and give your opinion v.1

Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situatuion, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss and give your opinion v. 1
It is sometimes argued that advertising could be helpful or harmful in our life, while in today’s life publicizing could have some benefits, I strongly believe that the disadvantages of this industry outweigh the disadvantages for some reasons. Firstly, in my opinion advertisements have the power to manipulate people’s life. In this field usually successful, glamorous persons are used and in this way they try to persuade others that buying a specific good make you happier or more successful; I consider this method as a trick! Secondly, most of the time advertising programs are aimed at children. Regarding the fact that they are not well-developed yet, they easily convince that they should by a food or a toy etc. , so they put pressure on their parent to buy unhealthy or unnecessary products. For example, I can remember the time that I saw a baby girl struggled with her mother and put pressure on her to buy some kind of a chocolate just because it had the Elsa’s picture on it! Finally, advertising industry promotes the consumer culture by persuading us to follow the latest products. Regarding the fact that advertising is a necessary part of free market economy, I believe that government should take some steps and set strict rule in order to reduce the disadvantages of this industry. For example, the time of representing advertisements and the channels that show it should be regulated. Moreover, advertising the harmful products like cigarette should be banned and government also can put a higher task on these products. The promotion of selling unhealthy food for children, also should be banned. In conclusion, despite some economic advantages of advertising, I do believe that most of the time they are harmful and just try to convince us to buy products that are unnecessary.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that advertising could be helpful or harmful in our life, while in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s life publicizing could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, I
strongly
believe that the disadvantages of this industry outweigh the disadvantages for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.

Firstly
, in my opinion advertisements have the power to manipulate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life. In this field
usually
successful, glamorous persons are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and in this way they try to persuade others that buying a specific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you happier or more successful; I consider this method as a trick!
Secondly
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
advertising programs
are aimed
at children. Regarding the fact that they are not well-developed
yet
, they
easily
convince that they should
Did you maybe mean "buy" or "be"?
by
a food or a toy etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they put pressure on their parent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unhealthy or unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
For example
, I can remember the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a baby girl struggled with her mother and put pressure on her to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of a
chocolate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it had the Elsa’s picture on it!
Finally
, advertising industry promotes the consumer culture by persuading us to follow the latest products.

Regarding the fact that advertising is a necessary part of free market economy, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps and set strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the disadvantages of this industry.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of representing advertisements and the channels that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
it should
be regulated
.
Moreover
, advertising the harmful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
like cigarette should
be banned
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
also
can put a higher task on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. The promotion of selling unhealthy food for children,
also
should
be banned
.

In conclusion
, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
economic advantages of advertising, I do believe that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they are harmful and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
try to convince us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that are unnecessary.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situatuion, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss and give your opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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