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Some people believe that it is a good idea to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. v.1

Some people believe that it is a good idea to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. v. 1
It is considered by some that spreading information about scientific research, business and academic must be encouraged whereas there are others who assume some information is vital or treasured. In my opinion, I believe some information is better kept undisclosed or shared at a cost. On the one hand, those who think that sharing information for free is good habit, enjoy benefits. Such people are also receiving information in return in the three mentioned fields. This would in return, lead to advancements and development such as more profit or new invention. Moreover, giving information help in building relationship, trust, collaboration among groups and organizations. Therefore, business will flourish and more breakthrough in scientific study will be discovered. On the other hand, keeping some data unrevealed is a wise practice, such as data which could make a certain business achieve higher sale target or a research which assist in manufacturing a new product that could prosper the economics of certain country if exported. For instance, a developing bank in Sudan conducted a survey in a rural area. As a result, using the data collected in the survey, the bank opened a branch in that area hence assisting the bank to grow and gain more business. If that data was leaked to the bank competitors without a suitable deal, it would be a great lost and wasted effort. The upshot is that thought there is a dilemma of whether information sharing is noble or some information must remain hidden however, I feel some information is better kept classified due to their importance and significance and must be shared at a cost.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that spreading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about scientific research,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and academic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
whereas there are others who assume
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is vital or treasured. In my opinion, I believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
undisclosed or shared at a cost.

On the one hand, those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
for free is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habit, enjoy benefits. Such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
also
receiving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in
The usual collocation for "return" is "to" not "in" with. Did you mean "return to"?
return in
the three mentioned fields. This would in return, lead to advancements and development such as more profit or new invention.
Moreover
, giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in building relationship, trust, collaboration among groups and organizations.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
will flourish and more breakthrough in scientific study will
be discovered
.

On the other hand
, keeping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
unrevealed is a wise practice, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
achieve higher sale target or a research which assist in manufacturing a new product that could prosper the economics of certain country if exported.
For instance
, a developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
in Sudan conducted a survey in a rural area.
As a result
, using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
collected in the survey, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
opened a branch in that area
hence
assisting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
to grow and gain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. If that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
was leaked
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
competitors without a suitable deal, it would be a great lost and wasted effort.

The upshot is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
there is a dilemma of whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
sharing is noble or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
remain hidden
however
, I feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
classified due to their importance and significance and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be shared
at a cost.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is a good idea to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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