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You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v.8

You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 8
Dear Mrs Fischer, I am a part-time Financial Assistant in your office and I joined here almost three months ago. I am honoured to be considered a deserving employee in your reputed organisation. However, I am writing this letter to raise some concerns about the job. I am sure you would probe these issues and solve them. I delightfully took the job to work for an excellent company and I was offered an attractive remuneration. The prospect for improvement and promotion was another reason I joined here. I have signed the contract paper as a part-time employee and my office hours are from 11: 00 am to 5: 00 pm. But the head of my department always forces me to come before 10: 00 o'clock in the morning and this has become quite impossible for me. I have to drop off my son at his school at 8: 30 am. I am not sure why the head of the department is ordering me to start office before 10: 00 am while he never shows up before 11: 00 am? I am also shocked to face the unforeseeable trouble of working until 9: 00 pm to finish my scheduled task. Sometimes I have to stay office till late hours while the whole office is deserted. I feel nervous to tell the department head not to force me to come office before 10: 00 am. That is why I am notifying you about this problem. I guess I should be given as many opportunities as it is offered to other employees. I can fully devote myself to work harder but something unusual and unreasonable should not be imposed on me. I want your intervene to have this problem resolved. I will be waiting to get a positive response from you. Sincerely yours, Sudip Pant
Dear Mrs Fischer,

I am a part-time Financial Assistant in your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
here almost three months ago. I am
Possible spelling mistake. 'honoured' is British English.
honoured
to
be considered
a deserving employee in your reputed
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
However
, I am writing this letter to raise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
concerns about the job. I am sure you would probe these issues and solve them.

I
delightfully
took the job to work for an excellent
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
company and
I
was offered
an attractive remuneration. The prospect for improvement and promotion was another reason I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
here.

I have signed the contract paper as a part-time employee and my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
hours are from 11: 00 am to 5: 00 pm.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the head of my department always forces me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
10: 00 o'clock in the morning and this has become quite impossible for me. I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
drop off my son at his school at 8: 30 am. I am not sure why the head of the department is ordering me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
10: 00 am while he never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
11: 00 am?

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am
also
shocked to face the unforeseeable trouble of working until 9: 00 pm to finish my scheduled task.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
till late hours while the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
is deserted
.

I feel nervous to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
the department head not to force me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
10: 00 am.
That is
why I am notifying you about this problem. I guess I should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities as it
is offered
to other employees. I can
fully
devote myself to work harder
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
something unusual and unreasonable should not
be imposed
on me.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
want your intervene to have this problem resolved.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
will be waiting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
response from you.

Sincerely
yours,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Sudip
Pant
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS letter You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 8

Letter
  American English
9 paragraphs
300 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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