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You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v.9

You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 9
Dear Mr Lechner, I have been working as a part-time fitness instructor at your gym for the last four months. I am gratified to be offered the job, not only because I need to earn some extra money to cover my living expenses but also because I want to enhance my experience in fitness training. Unfortunately, some impediments in the job force me to ask for your intervention. People often need help from instructors in using the gym equipment. However, it seems that other trainers are reluctant in offering assistance to club members. I offer as much as I can, but this means I am constantly in demand and therefore, working harder than anyone else in the gym. This situation seems rather unfair. While I realise that members receive initial gym instruction, I feel that they also need ongoing help with the equipment. Could I suggest that a letter is sent to trainers promoting this? After all, the personal attention of this kind makes people feel valued and may result in increased membership. Yours faithfully, Donald Green
Dear Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Lechner
,

I have been working as a part-time fitness instructor at your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
for the last four months. I
am gratified
to
be offered
the job, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I need to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extra money to cover my living expenses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I want to enhance my experience in fitness training. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
impediments in the job force me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
your intervention.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from instructors in using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
equipment.
However
, it seems that other trainers are reluctant in offering assistance to club members. I offer as much as I can,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this means I am
constantly
in demand and
therefore
, working harder than anyone else in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
. This situation seems
rather
unfair.

While I
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that members receive initial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
instruction, I feel that they
also
need ongoing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with the equipment. Could I suggest that a letter is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to trainers promoting this?
After all
, the personal attention of this kind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel valued and may result in increased membership.

Yours
faithfully
,

Donald Green
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS letter You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 9

Letter
  American English
6 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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