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You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v.2

You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 2
Dear Mr Harris, I am a part-time call centre operator at your company, started working about 4 weeks ago. I am writing to indicate some of the problems I encountered during my work. I am hoping that you would investigate these issues and resolve them. I decided to take the position of a telesales specialist because I want to develop a career in the digital sales industry. Besides, it offers flexible timing and does not contradict my class schedule. However, I realised there are some obstacles that need your intervention. The problems started almost a fortnight ago when the system administrator updated my computer's operating system. A few days ago, while I was querying a customer for her personal data, my computer restarted and this person’s profile was lost. This occurred several times afterwards. I asked the system administrator to solve it, but he did nothing about it! The software that manages our calls often deliver far more calls per hour than we can handle. The person in charge did not listen to our request and asked us to contact you. I believe that the system administrator should be show caused due to his negligence and the call-flow should be rational. More calls demotivate us do not mean more sales. Sincerely yours, Ben Flip
Dear Mr Harris,

I am a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
operator at your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working about 4 weeks ago. I am writing to indicate
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
problems I encountered during my work.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am hoping that you would investigate these issues and resolve them.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
decided to take the position of a telesales specialist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I want to develop a career in the digital sales industry.
Besides
, it offers flexible timing and does not contradict my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
schedule.
However
, I
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obstacles that need your intervention.

The problems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
almost a fortnight ago when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
administrator updated my computer's operating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
. A few days ago, while I was querying a customer for her personal data, my computer restarted and this person’s profile
was lost
. This occurred several times afterwards. I asked the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
administrator to solve it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he did nothing about it!

The software that manages our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
deliver far more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
per hour than we can handle. The person in charge did not listen to our request and asked us to contact you.

I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
administrator should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
caused due to his negligence and the call-flow should be rational. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
demotivate us do not mean more sales.

Sincerely
yours,

Ben Flip
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS letter You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 2

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
213 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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