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You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v.6

You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 6
Dear Mrs Jeeni: I have joined your company as a part-time employee a few weeks ago and I am indebted for the opportunity you have bestowed on me. I took the job to finish my internship - which is a requirement to complete my Bachelor degree. However, some challenges are impeding our work performance and I need your help to solve them. During this short span of my work, I have noticed some problems that are obstacles to the overall progress of the company. To start with, I help other data analysts with different data from various sources as per the requirement. I have to collect the same data many times. The main reason behind this redundant work is the lack of MIS reporting software and a solid database system. We can avail many benefits by using that type of software. It would both ensure better performance of employees and data security. Moreover, we have to take our lunch outside and this kills our valuable time. Lunch arrange by the office would ensure hygienic meals, and save our time which we could better utilise in the office. Therefore, I request you to implement MIS software for our office, which would be a really prudent investment in the long run. Besides, please arrange lunch for the employees as soon as possible. Yours faithfully, Safayet Ullah
Dear Mrs
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jeeni
:

I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
as a part-time employee a few weeks
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ago and
I
am indebted
for the opportunity you have bestowed on me. I took the job to finish my internship
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
which is a requirement to complete my Bachelor degree.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
challenges are impeding our work performance and I need your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to solve them.

During this short span of my work, I have noticed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems that are obstacles to the
overall
progress of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
analysts with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
from various sources as per the requirement. I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
collect the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times. The main reason behind this redundant work is the lack of MIS reporting software and a solid database system. We can avail
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits by using that type of software. It would both ensure better performance of employees and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
security.

Moreover
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take our lunch outside and this kills our valuable time. Lunch
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "arranges".
arrange
by the office would ensure hygienic meals, and save our time which we could better
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
in the office.

Therefore
, I request you to implement MIS software for our office, which would be a
really
prudent investment in the long run.
Besides
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
arrange lunch for the employees as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.

Yours
faithfully
,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Safayet
Ullah
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS letter You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. v. 6

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
223 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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