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The company you are working for offers funds and required things to the groups of local community every year. Write a letter to your manager suggesting a group you know in your community. What is the group? Why do they do and why helping them is a good idea v.2

The company you are working for offers funds and required things to the groups of local community every year. Write a letter to your manager suggesting a group you know in your community. What is the group? Why do they do and why helping them is a good idea v. 2
Dear Mr. Victor, I am writing this letter to tell you about a community which I am part of, for our annual contribution. I realize we are due to donate the prescribed amount as per company’s corporate social responsibility, and being a part of the team, I would like to mention one community which I am well aware of. The area where community hall is located is just adjacent to the outgoing tunnel near Dwarka. Its name is “Free Treatment for God’s child”. The group basically comprises of people who are somehow related to health sector. As we are a pharmaceutical company, they have chosen me for the inventory department. What they do is that they support poor people who need any kind of physical treatment which they cannot afford. They either pay for them or treat them in their in-house facilities. As mentioned above, they look after all the medical needs of humans who don’t have enough money to get their treatment done and nowhere to go to. But they also provide medical facilities to street animals and for that they have recently started a campaign. The reason why helping them would be a great idea to us is that it would actually be beneficial for us. Being a pharmaceutical company, we can directly provide them medicines instead of another product. Consequently, it would save us a lot of money as we won’t have to spare the margin with another brand as we would be donating what we are manufacturing, rather than providing any other commodity. Money provided by our company can not only be used to produce those required medicines, but it could also help them to experiment on other generic medicine too, which can be fruitful for them in cases of severe diseases like cancer or heart attack, for which general medicines are too expensive to afford and even a community as this only may not be able to provide those poor with it. I hope you would find this community good enough and will do the needful. Thanking you in anticipation. Yours sincerely, Hemant Tejwani
Dear Mr. Victor,

I am writing this letter to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
you about a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
which I am part of, for our annual contribution. I realize we are due to donate the prescribed amount as per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
corporate social responsibility, and being a part of the team, I would like to mention one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
which I am well aware of.

The area where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
hall
is located
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
adjacent to the outgoing tunnel near
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dwarka
. Its name is “Free Treatment for God’s child”. The group
basically
Did you mean "comprises" or "consists of"?
comprises of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are somehow related to health sector. As we are a pharmaceutical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, they have chosen me for the inventory department. What they do is that they support poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who need any kind of physical treatment which they cannot afford. They either pay for them or treat them in their in-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
facilities.

As mentioned above, they look
after all
the medical needs of humans who don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their treatment done and nowhere to go to.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they
also
provide medical facilities to street animals and for that they have recently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
a campaign. The reason why helping them would be a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to us is that it would actually be beneficial for us. Being a pharmaceutical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, we can
directly
provide them medicines
instead
of another product.
Consequently
, it would save us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money as we won’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spare the margin with another brand as we would be donating what we are manufacturing,
rather
than providing any other commodity.

Money provided by our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to produce those required medicines,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to experiment on other generic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
too, which can be fruitful for them in cases of severe diseases like cancer or heart attack, for which general medicines are too expensive to afford and even a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
as this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
may not be able to provide those poor with it.

I hope you would find this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and will do the needful. Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours
sincerely
,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Hemant
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tejwani
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS letter The company you are working for offers funds and required things to the groups of local community every year. Write a letter to your manager suggesting a group you know in your community. What is the group? Why do they do and why helping them is a good idea v. 2

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
348 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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