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Your school want to improve the quality of students' life in the dormitory. Which one of the following do you think the school should build in dorms? 1. Quiet study area 2. exercise room for students to keep physical well-being3. room for entertainment v.2

Your school want to improve the quality of students' life in the dormitory. Which one of the following do you think the school should build in dorms? 1. Quiet study area 2. exercise room for students to keep physical well-being3. room for entertainment v. 2
With the masses increase in affluence and awareness, college students tends to be spoiled with all kinds of well-equipped dorms. Private Jacuzzi, big screen TV set and even tanning salon are not rare on some college dorms. When it comes to the question of what the school should build in the dorm, I personally would say it is in the students' best interest to build an entertainment room for the following reasons. Admittedly, a quiet study room can provide a place for students to focus on their academic assignments and an exercising room affords them the opportunities to keep fit and stay in good shape, nonetheless, these facilities are redundant since an above-average university has at least one decent library and a recreation center for students and faculty members. Thus, it is not necessary to include such facilities in the campus dorms, and there are obvious benefits to build an entertainment room with home theater sets and video game consoles. First off, an entertainment room provides students a chance to get away from busy life and study and switch off. As is known to all, college life can be overwhelming, students are constantly under lots of academic pressure, like presentations, group projects, final exams, so on and so forth. Barely do they have chance to release their pressure, fortunately with an entertainment room, they can watch movies or play video games together. As the saying goes, “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Indeed, recent research on the correlation between leisure time and students' academic performance conducted by National Association of Psychiatrists shows that a student with certain amount of time spent in doing entertainment activities are observed to have higher grade than those who don' t. Consequently, entertainment room helps to improve students' academic performance. Additionally, an entertainment room provides a chance for students to catch up with their peers and bond more with one another. When playing video games or watching movies together, not only can students escape from their busy schedule, but also they can get a chance to talk to other students who also live in the same dorm building. Students who happen to live in the same dorm might have totally different majors and areas of concentration, so connecting with each other can help students to gain more exposure in other fields. Plus, students can use their moments in the entertainment room to get to know others who are from different regions of the country or even from other part of the globe, by interacting with people who are from distinctive culture backgrounds students can broaden their horizons and have unique perspective on different things. Without an entertainment, students living on the same floor might be strangers for four years, which can be a nightmare. In conclusion, it is more advisable for the university to build an entertainment room since it provides students a chance to switch off, and also students can catch up with their peers and bond more with one another.
With the masses increase in affluence and awareness, college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tends to
be spoiled
with all kinds of well-equipped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorms
. Private Jacuzzi,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
screen TV set and even tanning salon are not rare on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorms
. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the question of what the school should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
build
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorm
, I
personally
would say it is in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039
A determiner is probably missing here: "; the best".
; best
interest to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
build
an entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
for the following reasons.

Admittedly
, a quiet study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
a place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
assignments and an exercising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
affords them the opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit and stay in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
shape, nonetheless, these facilities are redundant since an above-average university has at least one decent library and a recreation center for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and faculty members.
Thus
, it is not necessary to include such facilities in the campus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorms
, and there are obvious benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
build
an entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
with home theater sets and video game consoles.

First
off, an entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
away from busy life and study and switch off. As
is known
to all, college life can be overwhelming,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
constantly
under lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
pressure, like presentations, group projects, final exams,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth.
Barely
do they have chance to release their pressure,
fortunately
with an entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
movies or play video games together. As the saying goes, “all work and no play
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
Jack a dull boy”.
Indeed
, recent research on the correlation between leisure time and
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance conducted by National Association of Psychiatrists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
with certain amount of time spent in doing entertainment activities
are observed
to have higher grade than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t.
Consequently
, entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance.

Additionally
, an entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
a chance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to catch up with their peers and bond more with one another. When playing video games or watching movies together, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
escape from their busy schedule,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to talk to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorm
building.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
happen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorm
might have
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
majors and areas of concentration,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
connecting with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to gain more exposure in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields. Plus,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their moments in the entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
regions of the country or even from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
part of the globe, by interacting with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are from distinctive culture backgrounds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can broaden their horizons and have unique perspective on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things. Without an entertainment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
living on the same floor might be strangers for four years, which can be a nightmare.

In conclusion
, it is more advisable for the university to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
build
an entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
since it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a chance to switch off, and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can catch up with their peers and bond more with one another.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
56Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Your school want to improve the quality of students' life in the dormitory. Which one of the following do you think the school should build in dorms? 1. Quiet study area 2. exercise room for students to keep physical well-being3. room for entertainment v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
501 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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