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Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy —computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation. v.1

Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy —computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation. v. 1
In some countries, young people are motivated to join job or to travel for a year between termination of schooling and beginning tertiary education. Although, it enables these young minds to enrich themselves with the real world experiences, it poses a risk on further education of them. On the one hand, doing work or travelling helps individuals to broaden their horizons. In academic paradigm learners are not able to see the practical implications of things and they learn in books, While doing the job or travelling to different destinations these individuals are able to come across different situations and people. This, helps them to learn and understand better about the practical aspects of the education in further life. For Example, I took a sabbatical of 1 year before my university education and worked as an intern sales representative, which later helped me in various skills. On the other hand, many people do not resume education once they taste this independence. This is because many people assume that they just need to earn degree to get a handsomely paid job, if they are able to earn well they don't need to resume further university degree. For Instance, One of my friends who joined a job after schooling never joined the university education again and today he works at a clerical job. In conclusion, While the trend of taking the sabbatical among the young people helps them to learn about the new perspective, it is a serious issue of the low number of people joining the university education.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are motivated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or to travel for a year between termination of schooling and beginning tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. Although, it enables these young minds to enrich themselves with the real world experiences, it poses a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
on
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
of them.

On the one hand, doing work or travelling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
individuals to broaden their horizons. In academic paradigm learners are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the practical implications of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
things and
they learn in books, While doing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or travelling to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
destinations these individuals are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
across
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to learn and understand better about the practical aspects of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in
further
life.
For Example
, I took a sabbatical of 1 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and worked as an intern sales representative, which later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me in various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not resume
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
once they taste this independence. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assume that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need to earn degree to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
handsomely
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, if they are able to earn well they don't need to resume
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
degree.
For Instance
, One of my friends who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
after schooling never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
again and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
he works at a clerical job.

In conclusion
, While the trend of taking the sabbatical among the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
helps
them to learn about the new perspective, it is a serious issue of the low number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
joining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy —computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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