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Your manager is going to retire after 40 years of service. Write a letter to the assistant manager to suggest a retirement event. – Explain how he influenced you at work. – What kind of event do you suggest? – Propose a gift from the company. v.1

Your manager is going to retire after 40 years of service. Write a letter to the assistant manager to suggest a retirement event. – Explain how he influenced you at work. – What kind of event do you suggest? – Propose a gift from the company. v. 1
Today, in the world of technology, computers are more affordable and accessible at everyone's home. So, it is more likely that people from all over the globe will do off-site work and students will study from home instead of going to institutions. In my opinion, this is a negative development which can lead to isolation, potentially difficult situations and will ruin the young talent. One serious problem that can arise with staying at home is less contact with other people around you, which can lead to isolation. Which in result can make things worse than better. For instance, in the present scenario, when people follow their routines like going to the office or school, even then many of them are found in depression because of the loneliness issue. So, the consequences of work from home will be even more dangerous. Another point to consider here is that not every individual is disciplined enough to follow the schedule by staying at home. For example, we can see that many find it hard to get out of the bed, on time, on weekends as there is no office or school, which results in low throughput for the day, and children tend to waste their day without learning anything. This is a negative trend as students and employees might divert from studying or working towards online games, networking and dating applications and other adulterated content available on the internet. To conclude, this is a negative trend as it has more serious problems such as isolation and truancy. It can lead to the untalented young generation and inefficient workers.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, in the world of technology, computers are more affordable and accessible at everyone's home.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is more likely that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from all over the globe will do off-site work and students will study from home
instead
of going to institutions. In my opinion, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development which can lead to isolation,
potentially
difficult situations and will ruin the young talent.

One serious problem that can arise with staying at home is less contact with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around you, which can lead to isolation.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
in result can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
things worse than better.
For instance
, in the present scenario, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
follow their routines like going to the office or school, even then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
are found
in depression
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the loneliness issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the consequences of work from home will be even more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
.

Another point to consider here is that not every individual
is disciplined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to follow the schedule by staying at home.
For example
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
Possible agreement error. The noun find seems to be countable; consider using: "many finds".
many find
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
out of the bed, on time, on weekends as there is no office or school, which results in low throughput for the day, and children tend to waste their day without learning anything. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend as students and employees might divert from studying or working towards online games, networking and dating applications and other adulterated content available on the internet.

To conclude
, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend as it has more serious problems such as isolation and truancy. It can lead to the untalented young generation and inefficient workers.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Your manager is going to retire after 40 years of service. Write a letter to the assistant manager to suggest a retirement event. – Explain how he influenced you at work. – What kind of event do you suggest? – Propose a gift from the company. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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