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The best way to reduce poverty in developing countries is by giving up to 6 years of free education to children so that they can at least read write and use numbers To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement v.1

The best way to reduce poverty in developing countries is by giving up to 6 years of free education to children so that they can at least read write and use numbers with the statement v. 1
A few people think that some persons have born with certain abilities, for example sports or music and other have not these abilities. It is believed that children can be trained to become a good sports person or a musician. This essay will discuss both views along with my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs. It is believed by some people that a few children born with certain abilities like music or sports. The major reason of this is a hereditary factor. It affects the child's powers. To clarify it in a better way the abilities are affected by genes of their parents. For instance, an individual is a good singer. His offsprings also have sweet vocal. Because it is scientifically proved that 70% habits and behaviour of children similar to his parents. As its consequence, there are a few people who born with talents due to their hereditary factors from birth. However, according to the other people, training plays a crucial role to become a better player or musician. Because through training pupil learn various skills to get success in a particular field. To exemplify it better way in the early age of life grasp power of children is more as compared to middle age. So they easily to play any game and skilled in another field as its result by joining an academy or under the supervision of coaches children learn any skill easily. To conclude, no doubt a few people have some abilities from birth due to their family genes. But I strongly believe that children can be taught to become a player or a musician. Because pupil learns various skills to get perfection in his field.
A few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
persons have born with certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
,
for example
sports or music and other have not these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
. It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be trained
to become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sports person or a musician. This essay will discuss both views along with my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.

It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
born with certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
like music or sports. The major reason of this is a hereditary factor. It affects the child's powers. To clarify it in a better way the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by genes of their parents.
For instance
, an individual is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
singer. His
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
also
have sweet vocal.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
it is
scientifically
proved that 70% habits and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
similar to his parents. As its consequence, there are a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who born with talents due to their hereditary factors from birth.

However
, according to the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, training plays a crucial role to become a better player or musician.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
through training pupil learn various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success in a particular field. To exemplify it better way in the early age of life grasp power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to middle age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
easily
to play any game and skilled in another field as its result by joining an academy or under the supervision of coaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
easily
.

To conclude
, no doubt a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
from birth due to their family genes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be taught
to become a player or a musician.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
pupil learns various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
perfection in his field.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay The best way to reduce poverty in developing countries is by giving up to 6 years of free education to children so that they can at least read write and use numbers with the statement v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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