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Your friend has the opportunity to choose either one of two types of majors (fields of study), which one of the following two majors do you think is a better choice, and why? A major that would allow him to finish years of study and get a degree sooner (so v.1

Your friend has the opportunity to choose either one of two types of majors (fields of study), which one of the following two majors do you think is a better choice, and why? A major that would allow him to finish years of study and get a degree sooner (so v. 1
While some are of the opinion that children should start from an early age with their education, others believe that it is more significant for them to begin with school when they reach a specific year. In my point of view, I believe that it is a lot better to develop in topics as a toddler. In the next paragraphs, I will discuss both of these views. First of all, a lot of parents believe that it will bring positive changes for their youngsters when they receiving nursery programs from an early time. The reason for this is that the child will be able to gain information which they can use in their play and their daily routine, to get more independent in life. For instance, they will pick up the manners and will be more socialised in the community. Furthermore, this will result that the upcoming life will be more straightforward. So, that's why it is really important to teach them as much as possible. In contrast to the previous view, counterparts should enjoy their childhood before going to the school. This is because they are still young and got plenty of time to consider about their study. Although, this is the only moment in life to amuse themselves and be free of any worries. For example, the more you get older the more the tensions will rise and the more responsibility you get. All in all, it is better to spend this moment with happiness and freely with friends. To conclude, I strongly believe that the advantages of going to the educational institutes in early years outweigh the disadvantages because the boys and girls will provide an upward trend in their knowledge and will be able to sort out problems quicker.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
from an early age with their education, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is more significant for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with school when they reach a specific year. In my point of view, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is a lot better to develop in topics as a toddler. In the
next
paragraphs, I will discuss both of these views.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
for their youngsters when
Did you mean "they're receiving", "they are receiving", or "they were receiving"?
they receiving
nursery programs from an early time.
The reason for this is
that the child will be able to gain information which they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in their play and their daily routine, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more independent in life.
For instance
, they will pick up the manners and will be more
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialised' is British English.
socialised
in the community.
Furthermore
, this will result that the upcoming life will be more straightforward.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, that's why it is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to teach them as much as possible.

In contrast
to the previous view, counterparts should enjoy their childhood
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to the school. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
still
young and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of time to
Did you mean simply "consider their"? You do not need the word "about" here.
consider about their
study. Although, this is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
moment in life to amuse themselves and be free of any worries.
For example
, the more you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older the more the tensions will rise and the more responsibility you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
. All in all, it is better to spend this moment with happiness and
freely
with friends.

To conclude
, I
strongly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the advantages of going to the educational institutes in early years outweigh the disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the boys and girls will provide an upward trend in their knowledge and will be able to sort out problems quicker.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Your friend has the opportunity to choose either one of two types of majors (fields of study), which one of the following two majors do you think is a better choice, and why? A major that would allow him to finish years of study and get a degree sooner (so v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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