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Younger school children(ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v.2

Younger school children(ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v. 2
Since the dawn of civilization, children have had one of the greatest roles in societies all over the world. Although some people believe that children should study important course such as math, science and so forth, I firmly concur the idea that student should be required to study art and music besides other courses. There are some reasons, the most outstanding of which will be discussed in the ensuing paragraphs. Firstly, it is undoubted that so influential has mental health been that it had had a great number of positive effects on children' s future from around the world, yet above all it has helped children to follow their goals better due to the fact that listening to music and learning about art are able to bring children promising future. To illustrate this fact, one needs only refer to numerous mental diseases of student deriving from lack of presence of art in the early stage of their lives. An example will illustrate this viewpoint better. As I remember, when I was 7 years old, I attended the music class and it had provided me an opportunity to reals my stress and tension. Thereby, by recovering my mind, I was able to concentrate on others course easily. I do believe that had I not studied music in that time, I would not have released my stress due to the fact that it allowed me to become successful in my life. Secondly, it is established beyond doubt that on the one hand, some people believe that spending time on art courses takes children' s time and they cannot focus on their main courses, yet on the other hand, some people believe that children in this period are the ones who are supposed to attend the society in the near future and they should become familiar with wide variety of fields to find their interests. Hence, I strongly agree with the latter idea and I do believe that the more children have more knowledge, the better they can decide for their future. By way of illustration, the noteworthy intelligible results, which conducted in our country, show that the 90 percent of artist and musician, are the ones who find their interest in lower age. To make a long story short, by considering all the aforementioned reasons, one soon realizes that no one can deny the enormous positive effects of studying art on children who aged between 5-10. Not only are they able to release their stress and tension but also they can find their interests and follow them. For this reason, were I be a determiner in our country, I would have added more courses relating to art because it brings them several lucrative consequences like what mentioned above.
Since the dawn of civilization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have had one of the greatest roles in societies all over the world. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
such as math, science and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth, I
firmly
concur the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that student should
be required
to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
besides
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons, the most outstanding of which will
be discussed
in the ensuing paragraphs.

Firstly
, it
is undoubted
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
influential has mental health been that it had had a great number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
from around the world,
yet
above all
it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to follow their goals better due to the fact that listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
are able to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
promising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. To illustrate this fact, one needs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
refer to numerous mental diseases of student deriving from lack of presence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
in the early stage of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. An example will illustrate this viewpoint better. As I remember, when I was 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, I attended the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and it had provided me an opportunity to reals my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and tension. Thereby, by recovering my mind, I was able to concentrate on others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
easily
. I do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that had I not studied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in that time, I would not have released my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
due to the fact that it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
me to become successful in my life.

Secondly
, it
is established
beyond doubt that on the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that spending time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
takes
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they cannot focus on their main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
,
yet
on the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in this period are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who
are supposed
to attend the society in the near
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
they should become familiar with wide variety of fields to find their interests.
Hence
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and I do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more knowledge, the better they can decide for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. By way of illustration, the noteworthy intelligible results, which conducted in our country,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that the 90 percent of artist and musician, are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who find their interest in lower age.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, by considering all the aforementioned reasons, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realizes that no one can deny the enormous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who aged between 5-10. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are they able to release their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and tension
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they can find their interests and follow them.
For this reason
,
Did you mean "where" or "we"?
were
I be a determiner in our country, I would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
relating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it brings them several lucrative
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "like". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences like
what mentioned above.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Younger school children(ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
456 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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