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Younger school children (age’s five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math language, science and history. v.1

Younger school children (age’s five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math language, science and history. v. 1
According to some, the manual workforce should be paid the same as highly educated people. I am of the opinion that educated professionals deserve to be paid higher. Firstly, manual workers lack the studies and experience to be hired for top management positions with the highest salaries. There are a lot of specialized jobs which require strategic expertise and leadership skills which only comes with higher studies. Their salaries are higher because of their technical knowledge and particular skill required for a job which mostly does not require any physical work. Secondly, If physical workers will be paid the same as people with higher degrees, then education will lose its value. People would prefer to start learning manual work instead of going to colleges which would decrease the literacy rate in a country. Without education, workforce produced will be with basic knowledge and no degrees to polish their skills. Moreover, people with higher studies will also be de motivated of their outcome which would be the same as people with lesser degrees. Lastly, salaries are decided by the level of education and expertise instead of manual work experience. Nowadays, Chief Executive Officers are earning the highest salaries in the job market. They are earning a lot of money because of their specialized skills to lead a company and to accomplish profits. To illustrate, the salary of a person who is leading the company can never be the same as labour who helps in building structures. In brief, I believe that manual workers do not possess the required knowledge or skills to perform jobs which are considered as highly paid. They lack education and experience to match the high income of top professionals.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, the manual workforce should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
the same as
highly
educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I am of the opinion that educated professionals deserve to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
higher.

Firstly
, manual workers lack the studies and experience to
be hired
for top management positions with the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
specialized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which require strategic expertise and leadership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with higher studies. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
are higher
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their technical knowledge and particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
required for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
which
mostly
does not require any physical work.

Secondly
, If physical workers will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
the same as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with higher degrees, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will lose its value.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
would prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning manual work
instead
of going to colleges which would decrease the literacy rate in a country. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, workforce produced will be with basic knowledge and no degrees to polish their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with higher studies will
also
be
Possible spelling mistake found.
de
motivated of their outcome which would be the same as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with lesser degrees.

Lastly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
are decided
by the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and expertise
instead
of manual work experience. Nowadays, Chief Executive Officers are earning the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market. They are earning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their specialized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to lead a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and to accomplish profits. To illustrate, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
of a person who is leading the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can never be the same as
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in building structures.

In brief
, I believe that manual workers do not possess the required knowledge or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to perform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which
are considered
as
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
. They lack
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and experience to match the high income of top professionals.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Younger school children (age’s five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math language, science and history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
282 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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