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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v.527

Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v. 527
Nowadays, a controversial discussion has created among communities that younger children should be required to study music or art besides other courses such as match, language and history and list goes on. Everyone in consideration to his private perspective has maintained a specific direction toward this debate. Some believe that this offer can be waste of time while others have a conviction that art or music lessons would teach more lessons about life to children. I am unanimous with the letter group; hence, the next paragraphs will vastly elucidate my vantage point through three salient reasons: To begin with, nobody could overlook this fact that spontaneously it is very formidable for the young children- five to ten ages- to adapt the school' s atmosphere because they have to leave a free world and stick to a rigid organization with a great number of rules. Such a frustrating condition makes most of students disappointed. Wrestling with a variety types of scientific resources will give students a sense of depression. Even worse, some of the young children may escape from school with any excuse; therefore, the best solution for avoiding the mentioned problem is that deans of schools should propose miscellaneous courses such as music or art. So it can be said that fresh atmosphere will overcome the classes. The second reason for my arguments lies the reality that in recent years, the researchers and psychologists have recognized that watching artworks such as a brilliant painting or listening a master piece of music is able to assist humans’ brain for secreting more Dopamine- a neural messenger in the brain-. The aforementioned chemical substance is responsible for creating the happiness and concentration; consequently, the students' performance can improve during school' s life. Furthermore, this opportunity will cause students to gain a power of evaluation of artworks and their soul will be inclined toward beauties. This can help societies to confront few the wars in the future. Moreover, participating in these types of classes will optimize the interpersonal skills in children. But how? It is obvious that attendance in a classroom requires students to discuss with each other. Since the art or music classes can challenge students' interest; subsequently, they debate with each other keenly. The mentioned discussions can continue in out of classes, finally, the new friendships would form. Meanwhile, providing a bed for students to express their opinions about their favorite matters can give them a sense of self-esteem. To sum up, this conclusion could be drawn that not only art and music classes are crucial in reinforcing of beauty knowledge among children, but also the young children observe those courses as amusement and at the end, the school atmosphere will not be tedious for them anymore.
Nowadays, a controversial discussion has created among communities that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be required
to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
besides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
courses such as match, language and history and list goes on. Everyone in consideration to his private perspective has maintained a specific direction toward this debate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that this offer can be waste of time while others have a conviction that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
lessons would teach more lessons about life to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I am unanimous with the letter group;
hence
, the
next
paragraphs will
vastly
elucidate my vantage point through three salient reasons:

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, nobody could overlook this fact that
spontaneously
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
formidable for the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children-
five to ten ages- to adapt the
Possible spelling mistake found.
school&
#039; s atmosphere
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a free world and stick to a rigid organization with a great number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
. Such a frustrating condition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
disappointed. Wrestling with a variety types of scientific resources will give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a sense of depression. Even worse,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may escape from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
with any excuse;
therefore
, the best solution for avoiding the mentioned problem is that deans of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should propose miscellaneous courses such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it can
be said
that fresh atmosphere will overcome the classes.

The second reason for my arguments lies the reality that in recent years, the researchers and psychologists have recognized that watching artworks such as a brilliant painting or listening a master piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is able to assist humans’ brain for secreting more Dopamine- a neural messenger in the brain-. The aforementioned chemical substance is responsible for creating the happiness and concentration;
consequently
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039; performance can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
during
Possible spelling mistake found.
school&
#039; s life.
Furthermore
, this opportunity will cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to gain a power of evaluation of artworks and their soul will
be inclined
toward beauties. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
societies to confront few the wars in the future.

Moreover
, participating in these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
will optimize the interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
how? It is obvious that attendance in a classroom requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to discuss with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
can challenge
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039; interest;
subsequently
, they debate with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
keenly
. The mentioned discussions can continue in out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
,
finally
, the new friendships would form. Meanwhile, providing a bed for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to express their opinions about their favorite matters can give them a sense of self-esteem.

To sum up, this conclusion could
be drawn
that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
are crucial in reinforcing of beauty knowledge among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
observe those courses as amusement and at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
atmosphere will not be tedious for them anymore.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v. 527

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
455 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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