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some people like to buy a piece of technology as soon as it is available in the markets. do you agree or disagree? v.2

some people like to buy a piece of technology as soon as it is available in the markets. v. 2
We are living in a sophisticated age technology have a profound impact on our lives. People are always trying to make their lives more convenient, successful and exciting. Some people believe that it is better for people to wait for some new piece of technology, while other are convinced that people should buy it as soon as it is available in the market. After carefully pondering it from several aspects, I strongly agree with the latter idea. There are some reason, the most outstanding of which will be discussed in the ensuing paragraphs. First of all, obviously, when something come into market, it is really interesting for people to buy it as soon as they can. Because most of people wait for a long time to buy it and I think there is no logical reason to wait for it. It is possible that some people are concerned about the performance of these devices which I am sure that they have been tested a lot before coming into market. To illustrate this fact, on need only refer to the numerous well-equipped laboratories of companies for testing their devices. Seldom do they sell their product with the flaw. Although people should spend more money if they want to buy these devices soon, what results from buying sooner is to make them happier. For example, the noteworthy intelligible results, which conducted in our country, how that approximately 90 % of people buying these devices as soon as it is available in the market, are one wanting exciting life and they always want to experience new positive things. The second reason why I agree with it is that, undoubtedly, new devices are able to provide a great opportunity for people to experience better life. I should say again, there is no logical reason to wait for it. People need to bring something in their life making their life more convenient and they should buy this devices as soon as it comes into market. The modern world offers abundant example of people have better life due to presence of advanced tools in their life. Imagine that, you can buy a mobile which enable you make better photo and provide you use the internet easier. Were I be a determiner in our country, I would have established a center in order to give loan to people for buying new devices. There is a well-known proverb in Persian, the equivalent of which in English may sound like this” the more people use the technology, the more they would be prosperous”. As a result, what I am certain is that if people use the new facilities, they are able to increase their level and bring themselves several lucrative consequences. To make a long story short, no one can deny the enormous effect of new devices as soon as they can on their life. Not only is it really interesting, but also it provides an opportunity for them to experience better lives. I highly recommended that people buy new devices and benefit their advantages.
We are living in a sophisticated age technology have a profound impact on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are always trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more convenient, successful and exciting.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wait
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
piece of technology, while other
are convinced
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
it as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as it is available in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
. After
carefully
pondering it from several aspects, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, the most outstanding of which will
be discussed
in the ensuing paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
obviously
, when something
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
, it is
The extreme adjective for interesting is "fascinating", or "exciting".
really interesting
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
it as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as they can.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wait
for a long time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
it and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there is no logical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wait
for it. It is possible that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are concerned
about the performance of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
which I am sure that they have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tested
a lot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
coming into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
. To illustrate this fact, on need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
refer to the numerous well-equipped laboratories of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
for testing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. Seldom do they sell their product with the flaw. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should spend more money if they want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
, what results from buying sooner is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them happier.
For example
, the noteworthy intelligible results, which conducted in our country, how that approximately 90 % of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
buying these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as it is available in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
, are one wanting exciting
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they always want to experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
things.

The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with it is that,
undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are able to provide a great opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. I should say again, there is no logical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wait
for it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
need to bring something in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
making their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
convenient and
they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
Did you mean "these"?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
. The modern world offers abundant example of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
due to presence of advanced tools in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Imagine that, you can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a mobile which enable you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
photo and provide you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet easier. Were I be a determiner in our country, I would have established a center in order to give loan to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. There is a well-known proverb in Persian, the equivalent of which in English may sound like this” the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the technology, the more they would be prosperous”.
As a result
, what I am certain is that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
facilities, they are able to increase their level and bring themselves several lucrative consequences.

To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a long story short, no one can deny the enormous effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as they can on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
is it
The extreme adjective for interesting is "fascinating", or "exciting".
really interesting
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it provides an opportunity for them to experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
highly
recommended that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and benefit their advantages.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
74Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay some people like to buy a piece of technology as soon as it is available in the markets. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
506 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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