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Younger school children(ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v.1

Younger school children(ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v. 1
Some would argue that it is unfair to set a common age of retirement for every worker of any occupation. They say that people who follow certain careers should be allowed to retire and given pensions sooner than others. I strongly agree with this idea as some jobs damage individuals’ health at early ages, and retirement before 65 is beneficial to those who work in harsh conditions. Several occupations are damaging to the physical health of workers at very early ages, thus, they deserve to retire before a set age. Normally, the effect of aging on people’s productivity at work starts at 65; however, in several occupations, this process begins at around mid-40s. Therefore, workers who become ineffective because of their jobs should be allowed to retire early if they want. For example, a study by Harvard University showed that most bankers became unqualified for their jobs at the age of 65 whereas constructors had signs of poor physical health after 45. Individuals who are regularly exposed to dirt and toxic chemicals in bad working conditions will benefit from early retirement. When these people are separated from their workplaces, they will stop breathing polluted air and eating contaminated foods, and it will give their bodies time to recover and become healthy again. Furthermore, they will be able to treat the diseases that they have already got during their work. For instance, gold miners in Kenya are estimated to have very high amounts of Mercury in their blood, and they all have a high risk of having cancers when they reach 60. In conclusion, workers of certain occupations should get pensions and retirement at early ages because their health is being harmed at mid-40s compared to normal office workers, and early retirement will benefit those who expose to the toxic working environment every day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that it is unfair to set a common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupation
. They say that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
follow certain careers should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to retire and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pensions sooner than others. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs damage individuals’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
65 is beneficial to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
work in harsh conditions.

Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupations
are damaging to the physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
,
thus
, they deserve to retire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a set
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Normally
, the effect of aging on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s productivity at work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
at 65;
however
, in several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupations
, this process
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
at around mid-40s.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
become ineffective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their jobs should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to retire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
if they want.
For example
, a study by Harvard University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that most bankers became unqualified for their jobs at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 65 whereas constructors had signs of poor physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
after 45.

Individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
regularly
exposed to dirt and toxic chemicals in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
working conditions will benefit from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. When these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are separated
from their workplaces, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
breathing polluted air and eating contaminated foods, and it will give their bodies time to recover and become healthy again.
Furthermore
, they will be able to treat the diseases that they have already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
during their work.
For instance
, gold miners in Kenya
are estimated
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high amounts of Mercury in their blood, and they all have a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of having cancers when they reach 60.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
of certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupations
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pensions and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is
being harmed
at mid-40s compared to normal office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
will benefit those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
expose to the toxic working environment every day.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Younger school children(ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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