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Tpo15: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

Tpo15: In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
Personally, I believe that is a significant subject matter in rearing children. I mean, teach kids how to manage the money is really vital, in order to bring responsible individuals in the society. That' s why I share the idea of this statement and I think children should learn to manage their own money at young age, In order to become financially responsible adults. In the following paragraphs I tender my opinions about this issue. First, I believe by applying this idea, children find out the value of money. In other words, they understand how much difficult to gain money, so that they become highly responsible, in order to spend it correctly. To be more specific, kids can learn how much their parents strive, in order to earn money. For instance, when I was child my father gave me the exact amount of money in the early of each month, even if I spent all of my money he would not pay me extras. He used to say that child need to know how much is arduous gaining money. He strongly believed in this idea that his child need to be responsible, and one way that he always exert to make his kids responsible is to teach them to take care of expenses. Hence, parents need to control amount of cashes that they pay to their child, so that children get to know the value of earning money. Second, parents can teach their kids how to save money and make a deposit in their bank account. I believe saving money is pivotal skill that every persons need to know it, in order to prevent bankruptcy. If the people learn how to make a deposit, they would avoid borrowing loans from banks or other financial agencies. For example, my uncle used to run a cotton factory. His business would really profitable and prosperous so that he would waste his money in some unimportant aspects such as purchasing different cars or houses. He did not have single penny of deposit. Since the great depression started, he forced to lay off most of his workers and eventually he became bankrupt, because his huge debts to the bank. If he knew how to save money and learn it from his parents, he would definitely avoid bankruptcy and remain as a rich person. In general, parents can learn their child how to save money and have a precious deposit, and also teach them the value of money. In this way, they can rear some responsible individuals who are highly familiar with the importance of gaining and saving money. Therefore, they would not waste their financial resources.
Personally
, I believe
that is
a significant
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "subject".
subject matter
in rearing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I mean,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
how to manage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
really
vital, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
individuals in the society.
Possible spelling mistake found.
That&
#039; s why I share the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of this statement and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at young age, In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to become
financially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
adults. In the following paragraphs I tender my opinions about this issue.

First
, I believe by applying this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find out the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
In other words
, they understand how much difficult to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they become
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to spend it
correctly
. To be more specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how much their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
strive, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For instance
, when I was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
my father gave me the exact amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
The phrase 'the early of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the early of
each month, even if I spent all of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
he would not pay me extras. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to know how much is arduous gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. He
strongly
believed in this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
, and one way that he always exert to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
them to take care of expenses.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to control amount of cashes that they pay to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know the value of earning money.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
how to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deposit
in their bank account. I believe saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is pivotal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
that every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "person"?
persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to know it, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
bankruptcy. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deposit
, they would avoid borrowing loans from banks or other financial agencies.
For example
, my uncle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to run a cotton factory. His business would
really
profitable and prosperous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that he would waste his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unimportant aspects such as purchasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cars or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. He did not have single penny of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deposit
. Since the great depression
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
, he forced to lay off most of his workers and
eventually
he became bankrupt,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
his huge debts to the bank. If he knew how to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
it from his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, he would definitely avoid bankruptcy and remain as a rich person.

In general
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
how to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and have a precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deposit
, and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
them the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In this way, they can rear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
individuals who are
highly
familiar with the importance of gaining and saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Therefore
, they would not waste their financial resources.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
61Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Tpo15: In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
441 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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