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Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same as as adults who commit crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same as as adults who commit crimes. v. 2
It is true that young individuals who break the law should be punished as same as the old lawbreakers. While I accept that treating the young criminals and the old ones equally tends to provide benefits for them and the society, I believe that this move can change their lives for the worse. On the one hand, I would concur that applying similar law for both young and old people committing crimes may bring advantages to teenagers and the community. Firstly, by punishing young criminals, the crime rate can be reduce significantly. For example, being threatened by serious laws, young lawbreakers will be inclined to control their behaviour and follow the rule. Secondly, by doing this, the authorities could not only keep the young under discipline but also help them to stand a better chance of revising their lives. If young individuals who commit crimes are punished by the rule, they will gain a better knowledge of responsibility and distinguish between the right and the wrong. Consequently, this move might enable the government to establish innocent and clever generations. On the other hand, I believe that treating young criminals in the same as the adults can have detrimental influences on their lives. As young generation breaking the law are not aware of consequences of their crimes completely, the society, therefore, should encourage them to realise it and prevent them from other criminal activities. For instance, being motivated by other lawbreakers, teenagers tend to commit crimes easily such as drug addition, robbing or gambling. Furthermore, my opinion is that the authorities should help young individuals to cultivate a better understanding of their crimes and fix it instead of pushing them into prison. If they have to go to jail, their social lives and mentalities can be ruined. As a result, young individuals should not be treated in the same as the adults when they commit crimes. In conclusion, I believe that teenagers should be educated and encouraged to fix their faults than punished by the law, instead.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
who break the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
should
be punished
as same as the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
lawbreakers. While I accept that treating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
ones
equally
tends to provide benefits for them and the society, I believe that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
for the worse.

On the one hand, I would concur that applying similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
may bring advantages to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and the community.
Firstly
, by punishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate can be
Consider using the past participle "reduced"?
reduce
significantly
.
For example
,
being threatened
by serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
lawbreakers will
be inclined
to control their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and follow the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
.
Secondly
, by doing this, the authorities could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
under discipline
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to stand a better chance of revising their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
who commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are punished
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
, they will gain a better knowledge of responsibility and distinguish between the right and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
Consequently
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
might enable the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to establish innocent and clever generations.

On the other hand
, I believe that treating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
in the same as the adults can have detrimental influences on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation breaking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
are not aware of consequences of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
completely, the society,
therefore
, should encourage them to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
it and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities.
For instance
,
being motivated
by other lawbreakers,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
tend to commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
easily
such as drug addition, robbing or gambling.
Furthermore
, my opinion is that the authorities should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to cultivate a better understanding of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
it
instead
of pushing them into prison. If they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to jail, their social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and mentalities can
be ruined
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should not
be treated
in the same as the adults when they commit crimes.

In conclusion
, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should
be educated
and encouraged to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
their faults than punished by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
,
instead
.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same as as adults who commit crimes. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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