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young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. To what extent do you agree? v.2

young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. v. 2
Nowadays, shopping malls are considered major recreational spots by many, but people mostly visited them for necessity in the past. The young people are increasingly spending their free hour at the shopping mall rather than playing sports or music. Furthermore, this new trend has many negative impacts on youngsters and the society as a whole. Firstly, this essay agrees and believes that this is undoubtedly an inappropriate behaviour and misuse of leisure moment because it encourages them in excessive buying behaviour and can lead to isolation and may develop mental illness. One of the significant harm of this habit is, it provokes youngsters to buy products which they rarely need. Many shops in malls are usually displaying eye-catching pictures and mannequins to attract consumers, which persuade the youngster to make unnecessary purchases. For example, recent research by experts found that around 70% of young boys and girls spent their weekends in the clothing store. They found out, approximately 50% of them end up purchasing a new fashion trend like tops, dresses and bottoms and paid by their credit cards. Another disadvantage is, youngsters can quickly become withdrawn and isolated. When they start spending not only weekends, but weekdays free hour in the shopping centre; as a result, youngsters become less socialized, which negatively impact their physical and mental health. For instance, a study was conducted by the Indonesia University of Education revealed that adolescent with the habit of shopping spree has over 40% of incidence to develop depression later in life. To conclude, I agree that an increasing trend of spending leisure time in the shopping mall by younger generation not only excites them to waste their money, but also responsible for making them isolated and sick in the future.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
are considered
major recreational spots by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
mostly
visited them for necessity in the past. The young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
increasingly
spending their free hour at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
rather
than playing sports or music.
Furthermore
, this new trend has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on youngsters and the society as a whole.
Firstly
, this essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
and believes that this is
undoubtedly
an inappropriate
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and misuse of leisure moment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it encourages them in excessive buying
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and can lead to isolation and may develop mental illness.

One of the significant harm of this habit is, it provokes youngsters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
products which they rarely need.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
shops in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
are
usually
displaying eye-catching pictures and mannequins to attract consumers, which persuade the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
.
For example
, recent research by experts found that around 70% of young boys and girls spent their weekends in the clothing store. They found out, approximately 50% of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up purchasing a new fashion trend like tops, dresses and bottoms and paid by their credit cards.

Another disadvantage is, youngsters can
quickly
become withdrawn and isolated. When they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
spending not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
weekends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
weekdays free hour in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
;
as a result
, youngsters become less socialized, which
negatively
impact their physical and mental health.
For instance
, a study
was conducted
by the Indonesia University of Education revealed that adolescent with the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
spree has over 40% of incidence to develop depression later in life.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that an increasing trend of spending leisure time in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
by younger generation not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
excites them to waste their money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
responsible for making them isolated and sick in the future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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