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young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. To what extent do you agree? v.1

young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. v. 1
The young people are increasingly spending their free time at the shopping mall rather than playing sports and music. This essay agrees that this is undoubtedly an inappropriate behavior and misuse of leisure time. That's because it encourages teenagers in excessive buying behavior and can lead to isolation and may develop mental illness. One of the significant harm of this habit is, it provokes youngsters to buy products which they rarely need. Many shops in malls are usually displaying eye-catching pictures and mannequins to attract consumers, which persuade the youngster to make unnecessary purchases. For example, recent research by the University of Alabama found that around 70% of young boys and girls spent their weekends in the Electronic market. They found out, approximately 50% of them ended up purchasing an expensive gadget like smartphones and laptops and paid electronically. Another disadvantage is, youngsters can quickly become withdrawn and isolated. Instead of going out for games, they started spending leisure time over weekdays and weekends in the shopping centres. As a result, youngsters become less socialized and more isolated, which negatively impacts their physical and mental health. For instance, a study was conducted by the British Medical Council revealed that adolescent with the habit of shopping spree has over 40% of incidence to develop depression later in life. In conclusion, I agree that an increasing trend of spending leisure time in the shopping mall by the young generation not only excites them to waste their money but also responsible for making them isolated and sick in the future.
The young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
increasingly
spending their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall
rather
than playing sports and music. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that this is
undoubtedly
an inappropriate behavior and misuse of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. That's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it encourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in excessive buying behavior and can lead to isolation and may develop mental illness.

One of the significant harm of this habit is, it provokes youngsters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
products which they rarely need.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
shops in malls are
usually
displaying eye-catching pictures and mannequins to attract consumers, which persuade the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
.
For example
, recent research by the University of Alabama found that around 70% of young boys and girls spent their weekends in the Electronic market. They found out, approximately 50% of them ended up purchasing an expensive gadget like smartphones and laptops and paid
electronically
.

Another disadvantage is, youngsters can
quickly
become withdrawn and isolated.
Instead
of going out for games, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
spending leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
over weekdays and weekends in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
.
As a result
, youngsters become less socialized and more isolated, which
negatively
impacts their physical and mental health.
For instance
, a study
was conducted
by the British Medical Council revealed that adolescent with the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
spree has over 40% of incidence to develop depression later in life.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that an increasing trend of spending leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall by the young generation not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
excites them to waste their money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
responsible for making them isolated and sick in the future.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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