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Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. v. 1
Some people fear that there are many adverse effects on youngsters who waste their free time in shopping malls. Personally, I completely agree with this view. For a variety of reasons, it would be wrong to set a habit among young people that they just pay attention to material things. Going to shopping mall takes a considerable amount of time from people’s daily schedule, so they will have not enough time to focus on doing anything else. It is clear that young people are not aware of the amount of time and money wasted. If they are immersed in shopping, there will be a lack of opportunities to attend to soft-skill teaching classes which are necessary to learn more about. Another aspect to consider is that, The more expenditure on shopping is, the more money they need. So if they do not have enough cash to afford these material things, They might end up being a criminal like pickpockets, robber or burglar to satisfy their needs. Moreover, spending most of time and money on shopping, young people’s social skills such as communication or relationship management might decrease noticeably. This will result in the possibility of becoming a passive and isolated person. Also, The world has many miraculous things to see, so We should not waste our time, even our money on purchasing unnecessary things. A book or a short travel is more valuable than materialism. For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that young people should not spend too much of their free time in shopping malls since It is not the best way to enjoy life. (253 words)
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fear that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adverse effects on youngsters who waste their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls.
Personally
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view.

For a variety of reasons, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to set a habit among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
pay attention to material things. Going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall takes a considerable amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
daily schedule,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to focus on doing anything else. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not aware of the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
wasted. If they
are immersed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, there will be a lack of opportunities to attend to soft-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
teaching classes which are necessary to learn more about.

Another aspect to consider is that, The more expenditure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they need.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
cash to afford these material things, They might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up being a criminal like pickpockets, robber or burglar to satisfy their needs.
Moreover
, spending most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as communication or relationship management might decrease
noticeably
. This will result in the possibility of becoming a passive and isolated person.
Also
, The world has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
miraculous things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
We should not waste our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, even our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on purchasing unnecessary things. A book or
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "short travel".
a short travel
is more valuable than materialism.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not spend too much of their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls since It is not the best way to enjoy life.

(253 words)
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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