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Young people spend much of their free time on shopping malls. It has negativeeffects in both young people and the society that they live in. To what extent do youagree or disagree? v.2

Young people spend much of their free time on shopping malls. It has negativeeffects in both young people and the society that they live in. v. 2
Currently, the young have tendency to spend the huge amount of time on going to shopping centres in their leisure time. It is believed that this trend can bring the disadvantages to youngsters as well as social as a whole. I strongly agree with this view. To begin with, spending much free time on going shopping has some negative effects on individuals. First and foremost, this is a hobby which waste time and money. Due to the fact that more time you use for buying something on shopping malls, less time you have for other activities. It is better for people to read the books, learn other language or do other essential things in their free time rather than going out for shopping for hours. Besides, when people go shopping, they are easily attracted by a chain of clothing stores and waste money on unnecessary things because of temporary interest. Other disadvantage is, lose the social relationships, not only with their families but also with friends and colleagues. Since they take the much time to go to malls, they have no time to care about the members in their families and make new friends. In term of social, the communities can suffer from a decrease in the standard of workforce. In detail, when people fond of going to shopping centres in their leisure time, they will not focus on their work and study. As a result, the economy will be influenced negatively because of the less quality of employees. This means that the standard of their lives drop significantly and the development of the country are much worse than other nations. In conclusion, I assume that young people should spend less time on shopping malls because of detrimental impacts on both personal and social.
Currently
, the young have tendency to spend the huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. It
is believed
that this trend can bring the disadvantages to youngsters
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
as a whole. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, spending much free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Did you mean "ongoing"?
on going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on individuals.
First
and foremost, this is a hobby which waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and money. Due to the fact that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for buying something on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls, less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
you have for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities. It is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to read the books, learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
language or do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
essential things in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
rather
than going out for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for hours.
Besides
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, they are
easily
attracted by a chain of clothing stores and waste money on unnecessary things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of temporary interest.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
disadvantage is, lose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relationships, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with their families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
with friends and colleagues. Since they take the much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to go to malls, they have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to care about the members in their families and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends.

In term of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
, the communities can suffer from a decrease in the standard of workforce. In detail, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fond of going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they will not focus on their work and study.
As a result
, the economy will
be influenced
negatively
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the less quality of employees. This means that the standard of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
drop
significantly
and the development of the country are much worse than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nations.

In conclusion
, I assume that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of detrimental impacts on both personal and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people spend much of their free time on shopping malls. It has negativeeffects in both young people and the society that they live in. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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