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Some people believe that time spent on electronic games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people believe that time spent on electronic games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. v. 1
In the highly developed technological word, game industry has been growing dramatically, especially electronic games such as TV, video and computer games. While it is claimed by some people that these game bring children with certain benefits, others believe that gaming may be detrimental to them. The following essay analyzes both views and I firmly support for the idea that electronic games influence negatively on young generation. On the one hand, there are several reasons why it might be argued that electronic games have specific merits. The most widely acknowledged positive impact is that playing games promotes children’s cognitive skills regarding concentration, imagination and sympathy. A case in point is that when the young approach to such a game that is kind of helping others, they tend to show more empathy in their daily lives. In addition to that, electronic games are significantly beneficial for players’ mental health. To illustrate, games can entertain players and help them recharge their battery after school. Therefore, to some extent, it is worth for children spending time on electronic games. Despite the above arguments, I contend that electronic games have a detrimental impact on young generation. Firstly, the most concerning problem that these ones may adversely affect children’s physical health. That children glue their eyes in front of the screen playing game can pose the risk of obesity, heart attack and a certain form of cancers. Moreover, exposure to high video game violence is likely to have effect on behavior in children. As a result, they have a tendency to get aggressive manner whenever facing with a problem in real life. For instance, when they get into trouble with friends, they resort to violence to deal with their problem easily. In conclusion, while it is argued that electronic games bring their own merits, I still concur that they do harm the young and suppose that time spent on games should be controlled strictly.
In the
highly
developed technological word, game industry has been growing
dramatically
,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as TV, video and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. While it
is claimed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that these game bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with certain benefits, others believe that gaming may be detrimental to them. The following essay analyzes both views and I
firmly
support for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
influence
negatively
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why it might
be argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have specific merits. The most
widely
acknowledged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact is that playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
promotes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
regarding concentration, imagination and sympathy. A case in point is that when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
approach to such a game
that is
kind of helping others, they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more empathy in their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
In addition
to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
significantly
beneficial for players’ mental health. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can entertain players and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them recharge their battery after school.
Therefore
, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, it is worth for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
games.

Despite the above arguments, I contend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have a detrimental impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.
Firstly
, the most concerning problem that
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "these" instead.
these ones
may
adversely
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
physical health. That
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
glue their eyes in front of the screen playing game can pose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity, heart attack and a certain form of cancers.
Moreover
, exposure to high video game violence is likely to have effect on behavior in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
As a result
, they have a tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
aggressive manner whenever facing with a problem in real life.
For instance
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into trouble with friends, they resort to violence to deal with their problem
easily
.

In conclusion
, while it
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
bring their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
merits, I
still
concur that they do harm the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and suppose that time spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should
be controlled
strictly
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that time spent on electronic games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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