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Young people spend their free time i shopping center. this has negative effects on young people and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Young people spend their free time i shopping center. this has negative effects on young people and society. v. 1
Shoping centres are common places which more and more pupils prefer here especially when they have free time. Some people assert that this attitude has bad impression on students and society. However, I am inclined to believe that going crowded places has benefits in spite of opponents. Because of the fact that people can choose there to study and relax. In this essay I will state my opinion with some examples. On the one hand, all of the students cannot concentrate in a silent space such as a library or a cafe shop. That is to say, those who want to study can choose a shopping center's coffee. Therefore, shopping malls are a good option for many people. Because of the fact that they can meet their friends and do their assignments by sharing their own idea. Thus, some homeworks are done well in proportion doing unaccompanied. For example, when I was a high school junior I have gone to get together so that we do our homework. On the other side, mounting evidence concerning this issue that after a busy school day people should be relaxed by doing some activities such as verbal confabulation with their best friends, walking, etc. Sitting every time at home after a tiring day can be boring. Thereby, going a coffee in a mall can be a good choice for many people to unwind and doing different activities. For instance, according to a great number of health reports, unless taking a break and studying all time can be dangerous for people in terms of cerebral. To sum up, in light of this information above, it can be clearly said that even though some opponents wasting time by going malls has numerous benefits for people and society. Yet, it should not be exaggerated.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shoping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are common places which more and more pupils prefer here
especially
when they have free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assert that this attitude has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impression on students and society.
However
, I
am inclined
to believe that going crowded places has benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
opponents.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
Because of the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can choose there to study and relax. In this essay I will state my opinion with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples.

On the one hand,
Consider using "all the".
all of the
students cannot concentrate in a silent space such as a library or a
'cafe' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "café"
cafe
shop.
That is
to say, those who want to study can choose a shopping center's coffee.
Therefore
, shopping malls are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
option for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
Because of the fact that
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their friends and do their assignments by sharing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
homeworks
are done
well in proportion doing unaccompanied.
For example
, when I was a high school junior I have gone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we do our homework.

On the other side, mounting evidence concerning this issue that after a busy school day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be relaxed
by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities such as verbal confabulation with their best friends, walking, etc. Sitting every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home after a tiring day can be boring. Thereby, going a coffee in a mall can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
choice for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to unwind and doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities.
For instance
, according to a great number of health reports, unless taking a break and studying all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of cerebral.

To sum up, in light of this information above, it can be
clearly
said that
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opponents wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by going malls has numerous benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and society.
Yet
, it should not
be exaggerated
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Young people spend their free time i shopping center. this has negative effects on young people and society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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