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Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music or theatre nd less time on sport How far do you agree with this statement v.1

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music or theatre nd less time on sport How far v. 1
It is claimed that people embarking their career early and keep pursuing it for a long time are more likely to gain job satisfaction than those who usually switch their job. From my perspective, I firmly hold the view that though both trends may bring people job pleasure in different ways, being loyal to one position would make them more satisfied. Borne employees have a propensity to change their job since they desire to find their real career passion which is integral to job satisfaction. After some time working in a company, those who find it monotonous to continue staying in the current position may change their direction. By doing this, they have ample opportunities to challenge themselves in different working environments, which afford them chances to build up their social network and a wide range of necessary job skills. For this type of employees, it is undeniable that a larger circle of network and skills acquirement bring them occupational pleasures. However, I believe that the better opportunity of professional promotion by committing to one company is more preferable. Long-time employees can gain profound experience and trust from other colleagues, especially their superiors who could offer them opportunities to climb up on their career ladder. This promotion method is applied in countries with deep-rooted employment norms such as Korea and Japan, where employees get fixed career promotion path based on their working time and loyalty rather than outstanding performance. Professional advancement can not only secure employees better salary, allowing them to live a better life, but also help them earn the feelings of being highly esteemed. This is where job satisfaction commonly comes from. In conclusion, although occupation switch stills offer employee benefits, I opine that people should be loyal to one organization for the professional promotion prospect which would bring them a satisfactory career and secure a better livelihood.
It
is claimed
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
embarking their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
early and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
pursuing it for a long time are more likely to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction than those who
usually
switch their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. From my perspective, I
firmly
hold the view that though both trends may bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
pleasure in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways, being loyal to one position would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more satisfied.

Borne
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
have a propensity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
since they desire to find their real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
passion which is integral to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction. After
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time working in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, those who find it monotonous to continue staying in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
position may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their direction. By doing this, they have ample opportunities to challenge themselves in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
working environments, which afford them chances to build up their social network and a wide range of necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. For this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, it is undeniable that a larger circle of network and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
acquirement bring them occupational pleasures.

However
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
opportunity of professional promotion by committing to one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is more preferable. Long-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
can gain profound experience and trust from other colleagues,
especially
their superiors who could offer them opportunities to climb up on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
ladder. This promotion method
is applied
in countries with deep-rooted employment norms such as Korea and Japan, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
promotion path based on their working time and loyalty
rather
than outstanding performance. Professional advancement can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
salary, allowing them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them earn the feelings of being
highly
esteemed. This is where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from.

In conclusion
, although occupation switch stills offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
benefits, I opine that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should be loyal to one organization for the professional promotion prospect which would bring them a satisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and secure a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
livelihood.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music or theatre nd less time on sport How far v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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