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Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport. v.1

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport. v. 1
How the youths should spend their time is a great concern for many. Some are more involved in cultural activities than sports, while others prefer sports over the cultural activities. No doubt cultural activities are important, but in my opinion, sports are more important and that is why I partially disagree with this statement. Undoubtedly there are necessities of cultural activities to get entertained or learn different cultural aspects. It improves mental faculty and refreshes the mind. It also helps to nurture the culture and learn the customs. Besides, performing in theatres or enjoying them develops a deeper sense of the world and life. But at the same time if we ignore the necessity of physical activities, for sure we are to experience a massive health disaster in near future. Not to mention, the youths need to have some physical activities to keep a good health. Health is wealth. So, unless they are healthy enough, they would be unable to enjoy other activities. For instance, sports help to keep people fit. Participation in sports makes them healthy in terms of physical aspects. Consequently, when they would be healthy, they could participate in many other activities spontaneously. But the lack of physical activity or lack of participation in sports may bring health disorders among them. Having said that, we all know that the majority of the diseases today appear due to our less involvement in outdoor activity and sedentary lifestyle. The more people are inactive, the more they are prone to diseases like heart disorders, diabetes, obesity, mental depression, frustration etc. Usually, doctors suggest to take regular physical exercise to improve the physical fitness and it helps to keep them cheerful. All things considered, the youths should participate in sports in line with the participation in cultural activities. I am sure that nobody will prefer to listen to music or enjoy theatrical performances with a massive disorder in their heart which has been developed for physical inactivity. I believe it is imperative to the youths to allocate their time primarily to sports and then for the cultural activities.
How the youths should spend their time is a great concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
are more involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, while others prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. No doubt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and
that is
why I
partially
disagree with this statement.

Undoubtedly
there are necessities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
entertained or learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
aspects. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
mental faculty and refreshes the mind. It
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to nurture the culture and learn the customs.
Besides
, performing in
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
or enjoying them develops a deeper sense of the world and life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
at the same time if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, for sure we are to experience a massive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
disaster in near future.

Not to mention, the youths need to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
is wealth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, unless they are healthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, they would be unable to enjoy other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
fit. Participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them healthy in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
aspects.
Consequently
, when they would be healthy, they could participate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
spontaneously
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
or lack of participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
may bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
disorders among them.

Having said that, we all know that the majority of the diseases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
appear due to our less involvement in outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
and sedentary lifestyle. The more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are inactive, the more they are prone to diseases like heart disorders, diabetes, obesity, mental depression, frustration etc.
Usually
, doctors
The verb 'suggest' is used with the gerund form: "suggest taking".
suggest to take
regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them cheerful.

All things considered, the youths should participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in line with the participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. I am sure that nobody will prefer to listen to music or enjoy theatrical performances with a massive disorder in their heart which has
been developed
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
inactivity. I believe it is imperative to the youths to allocate their time
primarily
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and then for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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