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Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement? v.1

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far v. 1
It is often said that the youth of today should frequently engage in cultural activities such as music and theatre rather than sport. Personally, I partially agree with view, as now will be discussed. On the one hand, I agree that participation of today’s youth in cultural activities can be seen as beneficial for their mental health. Cultural engagement may give many young people an effective way to take their mind off stressful situations. Thus, it could help their chances of stress and anxiety reduction. In addition, they are likely to experience an intense feeling of relaxation and happiness that comes after participating in a cultural activity. Watching a play at the theater, for example, may allow young audience to ease their mind as they often get so involved in it that they tend to forget about all the problems they are currently faced with and see how the story unfold, which could leave them feeling relaxed afterwards. (In my view, it is necessary for young people to take part in cultural activities since this could benefit their mind) Nevertheless, I believe that regular sport participation is just as important to the youth as cultural engagement since it could be advantageous to their physical health. Playing sports could allow many young people to stay in shape as well as have more energy at work or school, which may help increase their productivity. For instance, since taking up swimming and badminton a year ago, I have felt so stronger and healthier than ever before that I have managed to stay productive and survive working long hours. In addition, compared to those with low levels of physical activity, physically active people are more likely to maintain a healthy weight. Thus, they would be able to prevent themselves from some life-threatening diseases, namely heart disease, obesity, diabetes, stroke, and high blood pressure. In conclusion, while cultural activities are necessary for young people’s mental health, I feel that taking part in sports should not be neglected for the sake of their physical fitness.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that the youth of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
should
frequently
engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
Personally
, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with view, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
will
be discussed
.

On the one hand, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that participation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s youth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as beneficial for their mental health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cultural
engagement may give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
an effective way to take their mind off stressful situations.
Thus
, it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their chances of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and anxiety reduction.
In addition
, they are likely to experience an intense feeling of relaxation and happiness that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
after participating in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. Watching a play at the theater,
for example
, may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
audience to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
their mind as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
involved in it that they tend to forget about all the problems they are
currently
faced with and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how the story unfold, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them feeling relaxed afterwards. (In my view, it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
since this could benefit their mind)

Nevertheless
, I believe that regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
participation is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the youth as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
engagement since it could be advantageous to their physical health. Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay in shape
as well
as have more energy at work or school, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
increase their productivity.
For instance
, since taking up swimming and badminton a year ago, I have felt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
stronger and healthier than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
that I have managed to stay productive and survive working long hours.
In addition
, compared to those with low levels of physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
,
physically
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to maintain a healthy weight.
Thus
, they would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
themselves from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
life-threatening diseases,
namely
heart disease, obesity, diabetes, stroke, and high blood pressure.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mental health, I feel that taking part in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should not
be neglected
for the sake of their physical fitness.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
339 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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