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Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. v.2

Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. v. 2
Many would say that young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. In some sense, it is true that fame and wealth in young ages is harmful for those who are not mature mentally. However, I still think that there is no reason that we should compel not being famous or recognized to the young people. Admittedly, in some cases, being popular is not always good and sometimes lead to tragedic results. We can easily observe cases that young popular celebrities have become so arrogant and licentious that they ended up ruining their careers by themselves because of sexual scandal or drug abuse. In this regard, it is understandable that many people worry about the situations where the young have too much love from the public before the young grow up enough. However, I still believe that the fruits such as recognition from the public and peer groups could be a strong motivation for the young. Many students are educated in the formalized organization, and those who find their dream job earlier than the others have lack of opportunity to do activities aligned with their career plan and to gain feedback from other professionals. Consequently, their lack of opportunity related with their career easily discourage them to achieve their career goals. Conversely, if students gain fame and recognition at young age, it will encourage them a lot and help them to move future with more ambitious and long-term pursuits. Moreover, there are jobs in which those who start at young age have advantages. In some fields, young age itself has advantageous owing to one' s physical performance or their appearance. For example, professional gamers are all young because the younger they are, the better they play. Also, players in most sports start their career before they even get into college whose performances are the best when they are young enough. In addition, many singers and performers are also start their career at young ages because people generally are more favor of young performers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
would say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be encouraged
to pursue long-term, realistic goals
rather
than seek immediate fame and recognition. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sense, it is true that fame and wealth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
is harmful for those who are not mature mentally.
However
, I
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there is no reason that we should compel not being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
or recognized to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Admittedly
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, being popular is not always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
lead to
Possible spelling mistake found.
tragedic
results. We can
easily
observe cases that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
popular celebrities have become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
arrogant and licentious that they ended up ruining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
by themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of sexual scandal or drug abuse. In this regard, it is understandable that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
worry about the situations where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
have too much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
from the public
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
grow up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

However
, I
still
believe that the fruits such as recognition from the public and peer groups could be a strong motivation for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
students
are educated
in the formalized organization, and those who find their dream job earlier than the others have lack of opportunity to do activities aligned with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
plan and to gain feedback from other professionals.
Consequently
, their lack of opportunity related with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
easily
discourage them to achieve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
goals.
Conversely
, if students gain fame and recognition at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, it will encourage them a lot and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
future with more ambitious and long-term pursuits.

Moreover
, there are jobs in which those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
have advantages. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
itself has advantageous owing to
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s physical performance or their appearance.
For example
, professional gamers are all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the younger they are, the better they play.
Also
, players in most sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into college whose performances are the best when they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
singers and performers are
also
Consider using a past participle here: "started".
start
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
generally
are more favor of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
performers.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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