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Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. v.1

Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. v. 1
Some opine that paintings, drawings, and sculptures are essential courses for every youngster in study whilst others believe that these are not necessary. Although some arts like music and films may provide a luxurious lifestyle, I think that other subjects such as Engineering, Medicine and Law provide the perfect ingredients of a more satisfying life. On the one hand, there are some people think that art classes will inspire children to become a movie star and later they will have an abundance life with money and fame. Singers, film stars inspired lots of individuals and they believe their offsprings can achieve that glamour if there are some classes on acting, singing and dancing. For example, Keanu Reeves used to act on stage in his school in Toronto and later he received a call from one of the producers to act in a TV show. However, I don't think every student gets chance like that and later they become frustrated and take the wrong lifestyle. On the other hand, some people think the subjects like Law, Biology, Geography, Mathematics and Medicine have more value to build a career after graduation. It is much essential to select courses which will provide better opportunities when children are grown up than stardom. For instance, in the field of Medicine there are lots of opportunities to work because there is not enough doctors in the planet earth for the patients. Even an inspired child can do a charity for the poor and sufferers. I believe, parents should emphasize more on how to make their children a better person than glamours. In conclusion, although there are some art subjects provide luxurious life and some people think school should give more importance to them, it is better to have a school where subjects like Math, Medicine and Law gets higher value.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
opine that paintings, drawings, and sculptures are essential courses for every youngster in study whilst others believe that these are not necessary. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
arts like music and films may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
a luxurious lifestyle, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as Engineering,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medicine
and Law
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
the perfect ingredients of a more satisfying life.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that art classes will inspire children to become a movie star and later they will have an abundance life with money and fame. Singers, film stars inspired lots of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
individuals and
they believe their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings can
achieve that glamour if there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
classes on acting, singing and dancing.
For example
, Keanu Reeves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to act on stage in his school in Toronto and later he received a call from one of the producers to act in a TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.
However
, I don't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
every student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
chance like that and later they become frustrated and take the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
lifestyle.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like Law, Biology, Geography, Mathematics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medicine
have more value to build a career after graduation. It is much essential to select courses which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
better opportunities when children
are grown
up than stardom.
For instance
, in the field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medicine
there are lots of opportunities to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
doctors in the planet earth for the patients. Even an inspired child can do a charity for the poor and sufferers. I believe, parents should emphasize more on how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their children a better person than glamours.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
luxurious life and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
school should give more importance to them, it is better to have a school where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like Math,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medicine
and Law
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
higher value.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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