Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Young people are not as healthy as fifty years ago. To what extent do you agree or disagree with it? v.1

Young people are not as healthy as fifty years ago. with it? v. 1
There is no doubt that a healthy lifestyle plays an important role for everybody. Personally, I agree with the opinion, that teens and young adults are less healthy nowadays, than their ancestors were fifty years ago. In fact, I feel this way for two reasons that I will explore in the following essay. Firstly, the technological development is the first thing to blame. One should note here, that several decades ago people did many various types of activities, such as outdoor games or walking around a city. However, in our modern world citizens are more likely to spend their free time playing computer games or watching Youtube on a smartphone. In addition to this, many students spend plenty of time in studies and learning additional information for their careers. Consequently, people have a sedentary lifestyle which greatly affects their health and leads to serious physical and mental diseases. Secodly, in my country the government provides less incentives for residents to do sports activities. For example, nearly forty years ago there were many different public facilities to do swimming, running and jogging, but now it is up to individuals to build and organise. As a result, students at schools and universities don’t have any good equipment as well as comfortable places such as gyms, because all new and modern places require additional payment for visiting. What is more, public marathons throughout a city are quite unpopular, so less and less participants join these events. To draw the conclusion, because of the reasons above, I think that young inhabitants are less healthier then before.
There is no doubt that a healthy lifestyle plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role for everybody.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the opinion, that teens and young adults are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
healthy nowadays, than their ancestors were fifty years ago. In fact, I feel this way for two reasons that I will explore in the following essay.

Firstly
, the technological development is the
first
thing to blame. One should note here, that several decades ago
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
did
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
various types of activities, such as outdoor games or walking around a city.
However
, in our modern world citizens are more likely to spend their free time playing computer games or watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
on a smartphone.
In addition
to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of time in studies and learning additional information for their careers.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have a sedentary lifestyle which
greatly
affects their health and leads to serious physical and mental diseases.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Secodly
, in my country the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
provides
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun incentives is countable.
less
incentives for residents to do sports activities.
For example
,
nearly
forty years ago there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
public facilities to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go swimming".
do swimming
, running and jogging,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it is up to individuals to build and
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
.
As a result
, students at schools and universities don’t have any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
equipment
as well
as comfortable places such as gyms,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
all new and modern places require additional payment for visiting.
What is more
, public marathons throughout a city are quite unpopular,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
and
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun participants is countable.
less
participants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

To draw the conclusion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons above, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that young inhabitants are
Non-standard use of the comparative or superlative. Did you mean "less healthy"?
less healthier
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Young people are not as healthy as fifty years ago. with it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts