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Young people are leaving their homes frome rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantage? v.1

Young people are leaving their homes frome rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantage? v. 1
In recent years, young people tend to continue their education and improve their profession by moving to the cities due to lack of facilities and having different opportunities on their place. However, there are number of drawbacks occurring to immigrate youngsters, I believe that the benefits outweigh notable in develop society. There are various reasons that immigration dramatically increase from rural areas. On the one hand, the most significant reason is the availability of college, universities and other educational places. Also young people have a chance to choose many different fields of study without any restriction in equipped and modern university in order to reach a high level of education. For instance, they could be a doctor or an engineer. On the other hand, they able to access high standard of living by employing in many companies and organization that exist in big cities. In the other words, job opportunities in megacities will bring them an occupation with high income and good benefits that attract them to replace as making life much easier an comfortable for themselves and their families. Although, moving to the city have many drawbacks like overpopulation, air pollution, traffic jam, and many other problems, I believe that the advantages of this replacement outweigh due to the fact that increasing graduated people increase the level of society’s education so this society able to develop faster and competence. On the other hand, more people can live in appropriate circumstance in the city in order to find a better job in modern cities. To conclude, in recent decades, young generation keen on immigrate to the urban area from rural area because of many facilities and attraction. Regardless of the disadvantages, I think the benefits are more remarkable to develop a society.
In recent years, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to continue their education and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their profession by moving to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
due to lack of facilities and having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opportunities on their place.
However
, there are number of drawbacks occurring to immigrate youngsters, I believe that the benefits outweigh notable in develop society.

There are various reasons that immigration
dramatically
increase from rural areas. On the one hand, the most significant reason is the availability of college, universities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
educational places.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a chance to choose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields of study without any restriction in equipped and modern university in order to reach a high level of education.
For instance
, they could be a doctor or an engineer. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
Did you mean "they are" or "they were"?
they
able to access high standard of living by employing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and organization that exist in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, job opportunities in
Possible spelling mistake found.
megacities
will bring them an occupation with high income and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
benefits that attract them to replace as making life much easier
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
comfortable for themselves and their families.

Although, moving to the city have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks like overpopulation, air pollution, traffic jam, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
problems, I believe that the advantages of this replacement outweigh due to the fact that increasing graduated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increase the level of society’s education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this society able to develop faster and competence. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in appropriate circumstance in the city in order to find a better job in modern cities.

To conclude
, in recent decades, young generation keen on immigrate to the urban area from rural area
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facilities and attraction. Regardless of the disadvantages, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the benefits are more remarkable to develop a society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people are leaving their homes frome rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantage? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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