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Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? v.2

Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? v. 2
The Majority of adults are leaving their residence in non-urban areas to educate or task in urban areas. There are many causes for this issue; however, I believe the drawbacks of this advancement surpass the benefits. Both the reasons and my opinion discussed further. Considering the reasons for teenagers to migrate from rural areas to metropolitan, the foremost motive is education. As the metro city has the best University as well as the educational centre, which provides them with vast courses for the study so that they can select the appropriate course and can obtain a well-paid work. Another primary motive is an employment opportunity. Because the city area has vast industrial areas, therefore worker has the best opportunity to find the employment besides this, in the modern world, farmers now adopting the new technology for farming, which required less mankind. However, I think there are more cons than pros in moving to the mega city. The main disadvantage is the crowded places. To justify, buses, trains and other transportation services as well as parks, cinema have been packed with the people, which might cause unnecessary stress to the pupils, and as a result, the students fell to the victim of the depression as well as some other mental problems. In addition to this, workers or labours may sometimes find difficult to get the job because of the lower education and lower skill. Traffic congestion, poverty, homesickness is the common problem in the non-rural areas. To cap it all, the juvenile is residing from a rural area to town for better education and task opportunity; but, I consider there are more negative effects of this such as health problems, homesickness than the positive effect.
The Majority of adults are leaving their residence in non-urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to educate or task in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
causes for this issue;
however
, I believe the drawbacks of this advancement surpass the benefits. Both the reasons and my opinion discussed
further
.

Considering the reasons for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to migrate from rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to metropolitan, the foremost motive is education. As the metro city has the best University
as well
as the educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
, which provides them with vast courses for the study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can select the appropriate course and can obtain a well-paid work. Another primary motive is an employment opportunity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
has vast industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
,
therefore
worker has the best opportunity to find the employment
besides
this, in the modern world, farmers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
adopting the new technology for farming, which required less mankind.

However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are more cons than pros in moving to the mega city. The main disadvantage is the crowded places. To justify, buses, trains and other transportation services
as well
as parks, cinema have
been packed
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which might cause unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
to the pupils, and
as a result
, the students fell to the victim of the depression
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other mental problems.
In addition
to this, workers or
Possible spelling mistake. 'labours' is British English.
labours
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
find difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lower education and lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
. Traffic congestion, poverty, homesickness is the common problem in the non-rural areas.

To cap it all, the juvenile is residing from a rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
to town for better education and task opportunity;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, I consider there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of this such as health problems, homesickness than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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