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Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not do enough physical exercise. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions are there to this problem? v.1

Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not do enough physical exercise. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions are there to this problem? v. 1
While almost everybody agrees that enhancing strength is extremely vital to our health, some people do not have enough physical work-out. This essay will discuss the reasons and the results of this trend On the one hand, there are a great variety of causes. One of the most significant reasons is the over-pressure from the hustle and bustle lifestyle. While people are living in a world which is more competitive than before, they tend to devote their time budget to working or studying rather than playing outdoor activities to strengthen their body’s performance. Workers have to do 9-5 work and students spend more time on studying to get good qualifications and degrees. Moreover, children prefer to stay at home to play video games or watch trendy videos which is very detrimental to not only their physical but also emotional improvements. Moreover, household tasks which are required muscles could be handled by robot and AI, people just need to sit on a couch and give out demands. One the other hand, there are still many possible solutions remained. Firstly, people need to raise their own awareness in order to improve their health. Workers or students could take advantage of break time by climbing the stairs or walking around. Moreover, instead of driving to work, a person could substitute it by walking or cycling to work. Moreover, could hold the campaign about the significant benefits of having good health which would be extremely beneficial to work performance and thorough happiness. Furthermore, government should spend more money on public facilities to encourage people have more outdoor activities and sports. In conclusion, while there are a great number of causes leading to the fact that people have less physical exercise than they used to, I still believe aforementioned solutions could improve this situation.
While almost everybody
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that enhancing strength is
extremely
vital to our health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
physical work-out. This essay will discuss the reasons and the results of this trend

On the one hand, there are a great variety of causes. One of the most significant reasons is the over-pressure from the hustle and bustle lifestyle. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living in a world which is more competitive than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, they tend to devote their time budget to working or studying
rather
than playing outdoor activities to strengthen their body’s performance. Workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do 9-5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and students spend more time on studying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
qualifications and degrees.
Moreover
, children prefer to stay at home to play video games or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
trendy videos which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
detrimental to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their physical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
emotional improvements.
Two successive sentences begin with the same adverb. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Moreover
, household tasks which
are required
muscles could
be handled
by robot and AI,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need to sit on a couch and give out demands.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the other hand, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
possible solutions remained.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to raise their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
awareness in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health. Workers or students could take advantage of break time by climbing the stairs or walking around.
Moreover
,
instead
of driving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, a person could substitute it by walking or cycling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Two successive sentences begin with the same adverb. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Moreover
, could hold the campaign about the significant benefits of having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health which would be
extremely
beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performance and thorough happiness.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend more money on public facilities to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more outdoor activities and sports.

In conclusion
, while there are a great number of causes leading to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have less physical exercise than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to, I
still
believe aforementioned solutions could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this situation.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not do enough physical exercise. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions are there to this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
299 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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