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Young generations prefer to marry and have children when they become 30 and above and they no longer start their marriage and family life at a young age. Do you agree with this? v.2

Young generations prefer to marry and have children when they become 30 and above and they no longer start their marriage and family life at a young age. Do you agree with this? v. 2
In the fast-moving world, the younger generation has become more ambitious and competitive to an extent that they spend their 20s to get settled and then they are thinking about their marriage life after 30. Whereas, the older generation started their family life in a very young age. I completely agree with the approach of starting a family and having children after 30. Firstly, today’s youth are adventurous. They want to do things like, exploring the world, achieving big in their career, finding a better-half, earning well and possessing basic necessities, etc. . As a result, this will eradicate the financial and emotional struggles of our parents and grandparents in their early days of marriage. Moreover, today’s people have children after making arrangements for the birth and welfare of the children. For example, an Oxford University study states that the pre-school children whose parents are above 35 years, have the best mental health to study and achieve. This is because the parents can spend enough money and quality time with children as they are financially equipped. Secondly, an average person gets his maturity in family life around the age of 30 as they slowly acquire the patience to tackle the toughest situations. For instance, 67% of the divorce cases filed in Chennai high court are from the ones that got married before 26. In addition, after having children, both women and men tend to lose their competitiveness in their career as their focus will be on the children, resulting in getting stagnant in their profession, which will end up struggling consistently for health care, fulfilling their dreams, children’s education, upgrading their lifestyle, etc. . In conclusion, I believe that getting married around 30 years will be advantageous to the family to bring harmony, peace and prosperity in the family. After all, we should compete in this world till the end, but, to win the race, we should always plan properly.
In the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-moving world, the younger generation has become more ambitious and competitive to an extent that they spend their 20s to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
settled and
Did you mean "than"?
then
they are thinking about their marriage life after 30.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the older generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the approach of starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
after 30.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s youth are adventurous. They want to do things like, exploring the world, achieving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
in their career, finding a better-half, earning well and possessing
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
As a result
, this will eradicate the financial and emotional struggles of our parents and grandparents in their early days of marriage.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
after making arrangements for the birth and welfare of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, an Oxford University study states that the
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose parents are above 35 years, have the best mental health to study and achieve. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the parents can spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money and quality time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they are
financially
equipped.

Secondly
, an average person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
his maturity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life around the age of 30 as they
slowly
acquire the patience to tackle the toughest situations.
For instance
, 67% of the divorce cases filed in Chennai high court are from the ones that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
26.
In addition
, after having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, both women and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
tend to lose their competitiveness in their career as their focus will be on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, resulting in getting stagnant in their profession, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up struggling
consistently
for health care, fulfilling their dreams,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education, upgrading their lifestyle, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.


In conclusion
, I believe that getting married around 30 years will be advantageous to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to bring harmony, peace and prosperity in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
After all
, we should compete in this world till the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, to win the race, we should always plan
properly
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Young generations prefer to marry and have children when they become 30 and above and they no longer start their marriage and family life at a young age. Do you agree with this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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