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Young generation today prefer spending their leisure time in shopping centers instead of organized activities such as sport or music. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v.1

Young generation today prefer spending their leisure time in shopping centers instead of organized activities such as sport or music. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 1
In recent years, there has been a growing tendency that shopping centers have been attracted more young generation than activities such as sports or music. In my opinion, this is totally a negative development in young people’s life because of the following reasons. One serious problem that can arise from spending most time in shopping centers instead of other activities is the money lavishment. The reason for it is that young adults spend money too much in their pleasures in shopping centers while they are too young in order to earning a living. As a matter of fact, psychologists argue that addiction in shopping which creates adverse behaviour can lead to several criminal dire effects such as robbery and stealing. In addition, this trend can impact in young people’s health. To be more specific, students who are playing sports have a healthy physique than other students, who enjoy spending time in shopping malls. On the other hand, organizing activities such as sports or music brings a great number of benefits to young men and women more than shopping. First and foremost, by engaging sports or arts helps the youngsters to improve their health and spirit. In other words, sports activities are the best way to keep their shape, while art and music are the motivation for the mind. For instance, the study recently says that the youngsters who are not interested in any sports and arts can lead to depression. Secondly, participating in activities can help young generation to relieve stress. It means that spending young adults’s leisure time in this activities is beneficial to the brain, which helps relieve pain, tension and make them more happy in their life. In conclusion. Although young men and women tend to prefer spending their entertainment time in shopping centers than organizing sports or art activities, I believe that this phenomenon is a detrimental development.
In recent years, there has been a growing tendency that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
have
been attracted
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or music. In my opinion, this is
totally
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the following reasons.

One serious problem that can arise from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is the money
Possible spelling mistake found.
lavishment
. The reason for it is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults spend money too much in their pleasures in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
while they are too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
in order to
Did you mean "earn"?
earning
a living. As a matter of fact, psychologists argue that addiction in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
which creates adverse
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can lead to several criminal dire effects such as robbery and stealing.
In addition
, this trend can impact in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s health. To be more specific, students who are playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have a healthy physique than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
students, who enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or music brings a great number of benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
First
and foremost, by engaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the youngsters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health and spirit. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are the best way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their shape, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and music are the motivation for the mind.
For instance
, the study recently says that the youngsters who are not interested in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
can lead to depression.
Secondly
, participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation to relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. It means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
Did you mean "adult’s" or "adults’"?
adults’s
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
Did you mean "these"?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is beneficial to the brain, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
relieve pain, tension and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more happy in their life.

In conclusion
. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women tend to prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
their entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
than organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, I believe that this phenomenon is a detrimental development.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
50Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Young generation today prefer spending their leisure time in shopping centers instead of organized activities such as sport or music. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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