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Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are reasons for these behaviors? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v.17

Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are reasons for these behaviors? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 17
It is widely argued that buying things which are unecessary and unaffordable can make people to be deep in debt. Although there are numerous reasons behind this phenomenon, some several solution could be adopted to solve the problem. To begin with, these behaviors can be attributable to two principal factors. Firstly, one of the most obvious problem is consumptive lifestyles of people caused by effects of their parents when they were children. In other words, parents often overindulge their children by buying for them everything which they are keen on. Therefore, when children become mature, they will tend to show off their financial status by purchasing state of art gadgets or luxurious goods. Secondly, another worrying trend is the development of credit cards. For example, credit cards could lend for people a great amount of money that helps them own expensive things which are greater than their income, so lends cannot control their habits and get into debt easier. However, it is not impossible to tackle such problem as there are promising solutions that society can make use of. First of all, the measure which should be taken in order to deal with these behaviors is creation of alternative entertainment beside shopping. To be more specific, individuals must have options for their leisure instead of going to shopping centers such as playing sports, listening to music, or travelling. In addition, one way to eradicate this issue is the strict control of banks. It means that the limitation of money for lenders have to be reduced to suit with their income. Moreover, government and banks should have rigid punishments for people who do not pay in required time. In conclusion, there is a growing concern that debt is more popular when people purchase needless and expensive objects which leads to the various negative consequences, but these issues could be resolved by some above mesures
It is
widely
argued that buying things which are
Possible spelling mistake found.
unecessary
and unaffordable can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be deep in debt. Although there are numerous reasons behind this phenomenon,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible agreement error. The noun solution seems to be countable; consider using: "several solutions".
several solution
could
be adopted
to solve the problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, these behaviors can be attributable to two principal factors.
Firstly
, one of the most obvious
Please check whether a plural form of 'problem' should be used.
problem
is consumptive lifestyles of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
caused by effects of their parents when they were children.
In other words
, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
overindulge their children by buying for them everything which they are keen on.
Therefore
, when children become mature, they will tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off their financial status by purchasing
The phrase 'state of art' is correct if it refers to the condition of art. But, if you mean 'most recent technological development', use the noun "state of the art" or the adjective "state-of-the-art".
state of art
gadgets or luxurious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.
Secondly
, another worrying trend is the development of credit cards.
For example
, credit cards could lend for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a great amount of money that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expensive things which are greater than their income,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
lends cannot control their habits and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into debt easier.

However
, it is not impossible to tackle such problem as there are promising solutions that society can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the measure which should
be taken
in order to deal with these behaviors is creation of alternative entertainment beside shopping. To be more specific, individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have options for their leisure
instead
of going to shopping centers such as playing sports, listening to music, or travelling.
In addition
, one way to eradicate this issue is the strict control of banks. It means that the limitation of money for lenders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to suit with their income.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and banks should have rigid punishments for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not pay in required time.

In conclusion
, there is a growing concern that debt is more popular when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
needless and expensive objects which leads to the various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these issues could
be resolved
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
above
Possible spelling mistake found.
mesures
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are reasons for these behaviors? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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