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You have recently bought a Telephone with answer machine from an online shop. The web page said that the answer machine shows you a list of who left a message so you can choose which to play first. But after taking it home you find out that only the most v.1

You have recently bought a Telephone with answer machine from an online shop. The web page said that the answer machine shows you a list of who left a message so you can choose which to play first. But after taking it home you find out that only the most v. 1
It is clear that every parent has a desire that their children have to be a successful person in the society. Some parents are encouraging their children and give suggestions to achieve their success, while a majority of parents put pressure on the adolescents to be successful without considering their interests. However, there are several reasons and this situation can lead to a negative effect rather than positive. To begin, there are myriad reasons that fathers are forcing their juveniles to compete with the others. Firstly, parents are the only persons who want their youngsters have a better future and recognition in the society, because they are the most joyful persons if their children get succeed in the life. Thus, they are taking responsibilities to their youngsters and make them involving only in studies which related to their career. Secondly, fathers who are fascinated to become a doctor or an engineer, but they didn't get their dream job, are also suggesting their children towards the same specification, by neglecting juveniles area of interest. On the other hand, there are several consequences of this unimportant decision made by the parents. For instance, students never feel comfort to achieve their goals, because of pressure their parents put on them. Furthermore, they may get distracted from the studies, because the area which preferred by the parents is not providing any interest towards teenagers. Also, it will seriously affect on the one's career path due to stress that their parents responsible for. Owing to all these, the pressure can certainly lead to negative impact on the society. To conclude, I reiterate my statement by saying that parents should give support to their children's area of work and not to feel them stressed by forcing them.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
has a desire that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be a successful person in the society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are encouraging their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and give suggestions to achieve their success, while a majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
put pressure on the adolescents to be successful without considering their interests.
However
, there are several reasons and this situation can lead to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, there are myriad reasons that fathers are forcing their juveniles to compete with the others.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
persons who want their youngsters have a better future and recognition in the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are the most joyful persons if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
succeed in the life.
Thus
, they are taking responsibilities to their youngsters and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them involving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in studies which related to their career.
Secondly
, fathers who
are fascinated
to become a doctor or an engineer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they didn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their dream job, are
also
suggesting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
towards the same specification, by neglecting juveniles area of interest.

On the other hand
, there are several consequences of this unimportant decision made by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For instance
, students never feel comfort to achieve their goals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of pressure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
put on them.
Furthermore
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
distracted from the studies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the area which preferred by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is not providing any interest towards
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
Also
, it will
seriously
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on the one's career path due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
responsible for. Owing to all these, the pressure can
certainly
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the society.

To conclude
, I reiterate my statement by saying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should give support to their children's area of work and not to feel them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
by forcing them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is wine upon the lips. – Virginia WoolfInspirational quotes for language learners
Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay You have recently bought a Telephone with answer machine from an online shop. The web page said that the answer machine shows you a list of who left a message so you can choose which to play first. But after taking it home you find out that only the most v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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