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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.9

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 9
In the recent times developed nations are observing an increase in the number of obese teenagers, which has emerged as a grave concern and needs immediate attention. This is mainly because of the advancement of fast food culture which leads the way to various health issues. Firstly, children are more drawn to eating finger-food than eating healthy substitutes. In other words, junk food is readily available in convenient stores as compared to a salad box. Hence, a teenager is drawn to eating unhealthy as opposed to consuming a salad. Secondly, another point to consider is the price tag of fast foods. To illustrate, a burger at McDonald's is cheaper than a salad at Trader Joe's. Moreover, teenagers who are living on pocket money tend to spend money on cheaper products than finding a healthy item. One of the most common effect of this problem is the increase of new age diseases and health issues. In other words, children are battling with their weights which causes body issues and can disturb the minds of a youngster and can eventually lead to depression. To add to it, United States of America has the highest percentage of overweight teenagers in the world which proves that youngsters today are not taking their diet seriously. Additionally, overweight children have the tendency to get infected with diseases such as thyroid and high blood pressure. To conclude, if the concern of overweight teenagers is not addressed right now, it will continue to grow as a threat of the wealthy nations. Therefore, if a country needs to be progressive, they need to work on the problem of obese youngsters.
In the recent times developed nations are observing an increase in the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
, which has emerged as a grave concern and needs immediate attention. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advancement of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food culture which leads the way to various health issues.

Firstly
, children are more drawn to eating finger-food than eating healthy substitutes.
In other words
, junk food is
readily
available in convenient stores as compared to a salad box.
Hence
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
is drawn
to eating unhealthy as opposed to consuming a salad.
Secondly
, another point to consider is the price tag of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
foods. To illustrate, a burger at McDonald's is cheaper than a salad at Trader Joe's.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
who are living on pocket money tend to spend money on cheaper products than finding a healthy item.

One of the most common effect of this problem is the increase of new age diseases and health issues.
In other words
, children are battling with their weights which causes body issues and can disturb the minds of a youngster and can
eventually
lead to depression. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to it, United States of America has the highest percentage of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
in the world which proves that youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are not taking their diet
seriously
.
Additionally
, overweight children have the tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
infected with diseases such as thyroid and high blood pressure.

To conclude
, if the concern of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
is not addressed right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, it will continue to grow as a threat of the wealthy nations.
Therefore
, if a country needs to be progressive, they need to work on the problem of obese youngsters.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
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IELTS essay More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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