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You have just started a new course at college and your tutor has asked you to write him a letter telling him something about yourself. v.1

You have just started a new course at college and your tutor has asked you to write him a letter telling him something about yourself. v. 1
Modern technology is constantly advancing and reshaping people’s lives that affected us in various ways. While others accept the fact that technology is widening the gap between the fortunate and unfortunate people, I argue that it is the opposite way. This essay will discuss the argument of both scenarios. Admittedly, in the past years, the division between rich and poor people can be evidently seen among groups of people. For instance, the ownership of luxurious Apple products by rich people was commonly viewed as a symbol of being in an upper class of society, due to its extreme popularity and high value. Therefore, average people cannot fit in into the social circle; and afterwards experience being neglected and easily cast away from the group. Despite of this, technology innovated as the years passed by that allowed everyone in the society to infiltrate the world of the wealthy. To give a clear example, the use of online stock market became a common platform for all groups of people to enter the economy market due to its easy accessibility on the internet. Today, signing-up on a website as a member is a stress-free task and online video trainings can be conveniently viewed in social media accounts such as Facebook and YouTube, unlike in the previous years where rich people can only access and benefit. In addition, travelling to another country can now be experienced by normal people, due to a wide range of choices of affordable plans offered by travel agencies trending online and due to the upgraded designs of new aircrafts which can accommodate more passengers with lesser fuel consumption compared with the previous years. In conclusion, although technology has provided a gap between wealthy and deprived people in the past, I firmly believe that it has now created a bridge between these people, thus, reducing the gap of the societies they live in and improving lives even further.
Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
constantly
advancing and reshaping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
us in various ways. While others accept the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is widening the gap between the fortunate and unfortunate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I argue that it is the opposite way. This essay will discuss the argument of both scenarios.

Admittedly
, in the past years, the division between rich and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
evidently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
among groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, the ownership of luxurious Apple products by rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
was
commonly
viewed as a symbol of being in an upper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
of society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to its extreme popularity and high value.
Therefore
, average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot fit in into the social circle; and afterwards experience
being neglected
and
easily
cast away from the group.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
innovated as the years passed by that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
everyone in the society to infiltrate the world of the wealthy. To give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of online stock market became a common platform for all groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enter the economy market
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to its easy accessibility on the internet.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, signing-up on a website as a member is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free task and online video trainings can be
conveniently
viewed in social media accounts such as Facebook and YouTube, unlike in the previous
It is better to use 'years' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "years when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
years where
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
access and benefit.
In addition
, travelling to another country can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
be experienced
by normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to a wide range of choices of affordable plans offered by travel agencies trending online and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the upgraded designs of new
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "aircraft", the plural form of the noun 'aircraft'?
aircrafts
which can accommodate more passengers with lesser fuel consumption compared with the previous years.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has provided a gap between wealthy and deprived
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the past, I
firmly
believe that it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
created a bridge between these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
thus
, reducing the gap of the societies they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in and improving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
even
further
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay You have just started a new course at college and your tutor has asked you to write him a letter telling him something about yourself. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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