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You have decided to leave your job, write to your employer the following- why you want to leave- when you are planning to leave- What did you like on your job v.1

You have decided to leave your job, write to your employer the following- why you want to leave- when you are planning to leave- What did you like on your job v. 1
Money can’t buy all happiness, but there is no doubt you can’t be happy without it, therefore, people are working hard to accumulate more wealth for gaining happiness. In my opinion, money could make it easier for a human to meet his material and mental needs. To my maid, the rich, almost could consume all materialistic things they want, but the really poor might have to worry about costs of daily life. Human society has long entered the age of currency, thus citizens need money to purchase every basic requirement to live in civilization, such as food, clothes, residence and medical. Since all those basic requirements have been satisfied, people will try to level up their living standard to achieve more happiness. For instance, when a rich person enjoy the life with a luxury car, a big house and nice food, but gain any of those materialistic things might be a dream of a poor person, because he has no extra free money. On the other hand, money could satisfy many psychological needs as well, such as an achievement in the area of music, culture and knowledge. Because of pursuing an interest has to take a price which is a low income person often under a pressure to afford. For example, piano is a hobby of many children, but learning the instrument is not just about taking a course, they must also get one to practice. Everyone knows piano is a luxury, even a second-hand one is expensive. Hence, I think under this situation only wealthy family can satisfy their offspring’s wants and make them happy. In conclusion, although money can’t purchase everything, the rich still could gain happiness easier than the poor, because they would not worry anything relate money. Therefore, I believe that money is an important element to achieve happiness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is no doubt you can’t be happy without it,
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to accumulate more wealth for gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it easier for a human to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
his material and mental needs.

To my maid, the rich, almost could consume all materialistic things they want,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
really
poor might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about costs of daily life. Human society has long entered the age of currency,
thus
citizens need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
every basic requirement to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in civilization, such as food, clothes, residence and medical. Since all those basic requirements have
been satisfied
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will try to level up their living standard to achieve more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
For instance
, when a rich person enjoy the life with a luxury car, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and nice food,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
gain any of those materialistic things might be a dream of a poor person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he has no extra free money.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could satisfy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
psychological needs
as well
, such as an achievement in the area of music, culture and knowledge.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of pursuing an interest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
take a price which is a low income person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
under a pressure to afford.
For example
, piano is a hobby of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
learning the instrument is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about taking a course, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
one to practice. Everyone knows piano is a luxury, even a second-hand one is expensive.
Hence
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
under this situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
wealthy family can satisfy their offspring’s wants and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them happy.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
everything, the rich
still
could gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
easier than the poor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they would not worry anything relate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Therefore
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay You have decided to leave your job, write to your employer the following- why you want to leave- when you are planning to leave- What did you like on your job v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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