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The graph below gives information about the number of visitors to three London museums between June and September 2013. v.1

The graph below gives information about the number of visitors to three London museums between June and September 2013. v. 1
There has been a debatable issue regarding community work for high schoolers. Some people feel that high school students ought to be obligated to join volunteering activities. I completely agree that students in high school must volunteer in numerous community programs. Firstly, this essay will discuss gaining experience and secondly, it will talk about maturing emotionally. Serving the community without being paid can result in valuable experiences, which is important for future opportunities, be obtained through the activities provided. People are given lists of programs that require different skills to choose from and the work will be done continuously for weeks or even months. For example, serving old people in the nursing home requires the volunteers to try new things like washing the dishes, making the bed, and also cleaning the room. In addition, they will also be told to communicate with older people and be taught how to do it well. For these reasons, voluntary work is essential for high school students because it further adds experiences of the participants. Moreover, certain emotional maturity can also be achieved through these programs. People are forced to go beyond the norms and survive under difficult situations that require much patience. For instance, teaching young children is a challenging experience given that they tend to not listen to other people and act as they wish. By getting high school volunteers to do this, it can develop their patience because they have to learn to deal with the issue every day and although these high school students may not like it they have no choice but to go with the flow. For these reasons, voluntary activities are highly important considering the emotional development that the students will get. In conclusion, this essay supports community service as a necessary part of high schoolers' and therefore should be compulsive because the range of experiences it provides and the specific emotional improvement it gives.
There has been a debatable issue regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
work for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
schoolers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
ought to
be obligated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
volunteering activities. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
volunteer in numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
programs.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and
secondly
, it will talk about maturing
emotionally
.

Serving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
without
being paid
can result in valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for future opportunities,
be obtained
through the activities provided.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
lists of programs that require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to choose from and the work will
be done
continuously
for weeks or even months.
For example
, serving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the nursing home requires the volunteers to try new things like washing the dishes, making the bed, and
also
cleaning the room.
In addition
, they will
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
to communicate with older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
be taught
how to do it well. For these reasons, voluntary work is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
of the participants.

Moreover
, certain emotional maturity can
also
be achieved
through these programs.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are forced
to go beyond the norms and survive under difficult situations that require much patience.
For instance
, teaching young children is a challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that they tend to not listen to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and act as they wish. By getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
volunteers to do this, it can develop their patience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn to deal with the issue every day and although these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may not like it they have no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
the flow. For these reasons, voluntary activities are
highly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
considering the emotional development that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
.

In conclusion
, this essay supports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service as a necessary part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
schoolers' and
therefore
should be compulsive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
it provides and the specific emotional improvement it gives.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below gives information about the number of visitors to three London museums between June and September 2013. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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