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You have applied to a course at a college in Australia, but you still have not received the reply. Write a letter to state: •The details of the course•Why you choose the course•Why you need the reply soon v.1

You have applied to a course at a college in Australia, but you still have not received the reply. Write a letter to state: •The details of the course•Why you choose the course•Why you need the reply soon v. 1
A great proportion of the working population work out for a short duration of time or do not engage themselves in any physical activity at all either the during working day or in their leisure time, hence facing health related issues. The significant increase in the monthly expenditure of the families and the sharply growing demand of consumers should be held responsible for preventing people from hitting the gyms and keeping themselves in shape, in order to solve the problem governments should step up and impose new rules. In the contemporary world, since the humans started adapting to the new technology they are getting lazier than before, and in terms of raising the level of convenience they are blindly spending money on the newly developed gadgets. Consequently, the burden over their financial budget pushes them to work more, creates an obnoxious and stressful environment, as a result the workers are either working overtime or juggling through different professions and eventually unable to exercise. However, the sudden rise in the demand of goods is also forcing many organizations to run their plants for extended hours to meet the production requirement. Therefore, many employees work overtime and the extra pressure of work at the end of the day leave people exhausted, so during their spare over the weekend, they spend most of their time catching up with the sleep as a result do not exercise. Furthermore, the governments need to draw the attention of the major employers and bring some new rules in play, for example, increasing the overtime wage rate and reducing the number of regular working hours which may limit the employers from asking their workers to stay for overtime. Nevertheless, the industries should also be asked to promote healthy workplaces by opening gyms on site and providing extended breaks to their employees, so they can spend some time doing exercise and stimulating brains to better concentrate on work. As a result, the production of the companies may increase along with the quality in their products. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the collateral support from the government and employers may certainly solve the problem and leads to a healthy society with a healthy lifestyle.
A great proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
out for a short duration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or do not engage themselves in any physical activity at all either the during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day or in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
hence
facing health related issues. The significant increase in the monthly expenditure of the families and the
sharply
growing demand of consumers should
be held
responsible for preventing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from hitting the gyms and keeping themselves in shape, in order to solve the problem
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should step up and impose new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.

In the contemporary world, since the humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
adapting to the new technology they are getting lazier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and in terms of raising the level of convenience they are
blindly
spending money on the
newly
developed gadgets.
Consequently
, the burden over their financial budget pushes them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more, creates an obnoxious and stressful environment,
as a result
the workers are either
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
overtime or juggling through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
professions and
eventually
unable to exercise.
However
, the sudden rise in the demand of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
is
also
forcing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
organizations to run their plants for extended hours to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the production requirement.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime and the extra pressure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
exhausted,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
during their spare over the weekend, they spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
catching up with the sleep
as a result
do not exercise.

Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
need to draw the attention of the major employers and bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
in play,
for example
, increasing the overtime wage rate and reducing the number of regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours which may limit the employers from asking their workers to stay for overtime.
Nevertheless
, the industries should
also
be asked
to promote healthy workplaces by opening gyms on site and providing extended breaks to their employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing exercise and stimulating brains to better concentrate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
As a result
, the production of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
may increase along with the quality in their products.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that the collateral support from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and employers may
certainly
solve the problem and leads to a healthy society with a healthy lifestyle.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay You have applied to a course at a college in Australia, but you still have not received the reply. Write a letter to state: •The details of the course•Why you choose the course•Why you need the reply soon v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
365 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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