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Describe an activity you tried and enjoyed recently. Explain why it was enjoyable to you. Include reasons and example to support your response. v.1

Describe an activity you tried and enjoyed recently. Explain why it was enjoyable to you. Include reasons and example to support your response. v. 1
Nowadays, in some countries, the population of the younger is more than the elders and this situation has both its ins and outs. On the positive side the society has more work enforcement, but, on the negative side, you may face a lack of experience in some specific jobs. On the one hand, one of the advantages of this phenomenon is that the job market is more active with better job offers, because of the number of people who can work. For example, if you take a close look at the Indian startups, you can find that because of their society and the massive young population that they have, the officials establish a productive way for them to use their energy in an efficient way. So, it would be a great thing if society’s population belongs to young people and by making good decisions it could be a turning point for the country. On the other hand, one of the disadvantages that could be happening due to the fact of the young population is that the government has more duties to provide the essential needs for this group. Besides that, they have a different perspective in comparison with the older, for instance, the government have the responsibility to ease the marriage conditions, also, provide hobbies like sport facilities, amusement park and these kinds of things. So, these kinds of the population should be provided with more operators, to fulfil their needs. In conclusion, although the young society gives more chance for improving the economy, the officials have more responsibility for creating places for them to release their energy.
Nowadays, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the younger is more than the elders and this situation has both its ins and outs. On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has more work enforcement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side, you may face a lack of experience in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific jobs.

On the one hand, one of the advantages of this phenomenon is that the job market is more active with better job offers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who can work.
For example
, if you take a close look at the Indian startups, you can find that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and the massive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
that they have, the officials establish a productive way for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their energy
Consider replacing "in an efficient way" with the adverb for "efficient"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an efficient way
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it would be a great thing if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
belongs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and by making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
decisions it could be a turning point for the country.

On the other hand
, one of the disadvantages that could be happening due to the fact of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has more duties to provide the essential needs for this group.
Besides
that, they have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspective
in comparison
with the older,
for instance
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
have the responsibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the marriage conditions,
also
, provide hobbies like sport facilities, amusement park and these kinds of things.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, these kinds of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
should
be provided
with more operators, to fulfil their needs.

In conclusion
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
gives more chance for improving the economy, the officials have more responsibility for creating places for them to release their energy.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Describe an activity you tried and enjoyed recently. Explain why it was enjoyable to you. Include reasons and example to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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