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You are working in giant company which does financial or other items help to the differentgroup of local community. Write to your manager about some group you want to providehelp next year. Describe a group. What help do the group need. What kind of help you v.1

You are working in giant company which does financial or other items help to the differentgroup of local community. Write to your manager about some group you want to providehelp next year. Describe a group. What help do the group need. What kind of help you v. 1
There is no single yardstick for measuring the development of a democracy. Some people think that economic evolution is the ultimate determinant of success; others, however, insist that triumph in other areas is equally important. I agree with this view. In my opinion, the improvement of a society is determined by various factors and financial stability is just one of them. On the one hand, there is no denying the fact that financial advance is important. If a union is economically strong, it does not have to depend on monetary assistance from other countries to carry out its developmental agenda. What’s more, rich nations enjoy good reputation overseas. They are influential and have a say in international affairs. Take, for instance, the case of United States of America. It is the richest country in the world. It is also the most influential. Obviously, financial solidity is important. However, in my opinion, financial evolution alone will not help. For a state to become developed, it has to achieve advances in all areas. For example, it has to address problems like social discrimination, economic disparity and rural and urban divide. These problems are rampant in most developing and undeveloped countries and they are the number one cause of social unrest. In addition to solving these problems, countries have to achieve development in the field of education, healthcare, science and technology. Actually, if a nation achieves progress in these areas, economic growth will follow. On the contrary, without progress in these areas, it is nearly impossible to achieve economic growth. To conclude, economic growth is just one of the measures of success. Nations that strive to become developed should work to achieve headway in all areas of life.
There is no single yardstick for measuring the development of a democracy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
evolution is the ultimate determinant of success; others,
however
, insist that triumph in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. In my opinion, the improvement of a society
is determined
by various factors and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
stability is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one of them.

On the one hand, there is no denying the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
advance is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. If a union is
economically
strong, it does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
depend on monetary assistance from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to carry out its developmental agenda. What’s more, rich nations enjoy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reputation overseas. They are influential and have a say in international affairs. Take,
for instance
, the case
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the United States".
of United States
of America. It is the richest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in the world. It is
also
the most influential.
Obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
solidity is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

However
, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
evolution alone will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. For a state to become developed, it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
advances in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
For example
, it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
address problems like social discrimination,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
disparity and rural and urban divide. These problems are rampant in most developing and undeveloped
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
countries and
they are the number one cause of social unrest.
In addition
to solving these problems,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
development in the field of education, healthcare, science and technology. Actually, if a nation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieves
progress in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth will follow.
On the contrary
, without progress in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, it is
nearly
impossible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one of the measures of success. Nations that strive to become developed should work to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
headway in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
of life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay You are working in giant company which does financial or other items help to the differentgroup of local community. Write to your manager about some group you want to providehelp next year. Describe a group. What help do the group need. What kind of help you v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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